Ocean of Lies
by Typhoon73
Summary: Jane and Maura have been best friends for years and also have a history. The two women had a summer romance of which neither friends nor family knows. Jane has a secret that only her family and Maura know, but the doctor has a much bigger one she hasn't told anyone about. Written in Jane's PoV..Eventually Rizzles!
1. Prologue

**Hey guys, I'm working on my other stories and didn't really want to start a new one until one of the others is finished, but that idea stuck in my mind. I won't abandon any of my other stories. And of course, you are welcome to share your thoughts with me. **

**I hope you'll like this one.**

**Enjoy,**

**T73.**

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I sit at my desk and a groan. The headache I suffer from this morning is the result of a weekend of drinking extensively. Not because I'm suffering from heartache but because I lost a bet on Friday with my lovely brother Frankie, and that's why I had to pay for two nights his, Korsak's and Maura's drinks which were extensively exploited.

I should have called in sick.

You're wondering what the bet was, don't you?

It's that time of the year again when BPD gets a bunch of rookies and unfortunately, I was betting that Rowe, our lieutenant, would spare us this year's rookie.

I was wrong!

And since I'm a woman of honor, I paid my debts without complaining.

If I only would have stuck with water this weekend, but I'm not that kind of person when I'm challenged, I never was, and Frankie dared to say that he could drink me under the table.

Well, back to the topic! Calling the rookies wouldn't be fair, they have been on the streets for at least a year and worked some crime scenes, festivals car accidents and so on almost everything the city of Boston has to offer.

At some point, the brass decided to establish a regular rotation to avoid a kind of nepotism. At that time Frankie blamed himself for that and we told him not to be ridiculous and that he wasn't the only patrol officer who had connections in BPD.

I raise my head off my desk when someone sits down on its edge and let my eyes wander over legs that seem almost endless, legs that I don't see for the first time, and hopefully not for the last time either.

If it would be somebody else then I would most likely turn as red as a beetroot when they'd caught me staring at their legs.

I raise my eyes and Dr. Maura Isles' amused ones.

She lifts her brows and holds a paper mug right under my nose. „Coffee?"

I make a face, shake my head and raise a water bottle. „I stick with water," I roll my eyes as Maura tugs her chin in surprise. For now."

She grins broadly and sips the coffee that was meant for me.

Maura and I have been best friends for years now, and at the time we've been through one or another tragedy we probably wouldn't have been able to endure on our own. Tragedies like Charles Hoyt and the sudden accidental death of our good friend and colleague Barry Frost. I could continue a really long list of tragedies in our lives, but first of all I'm really not in the mood for that and secondly, you're certainly not interested in it.

However, what hardly anyone knows, Maura and I know each other not only from work.

Yeah, right, we've met before! We have known each other for much longer!

Well, maybe known is a little too much.

We were young, we were carefree and we were adventurous. And then we lost sight of each other.

It was short, it was sweet and then it was over.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the time with Maura, but both of us were well aware that at the age of nineteen, we were not quite ready for a serious relationship and I was aware that Maura would move to the other side of the country after the summer.

We made the best out of the short time, saw each other almost every day, visited coastal towns and museums (which were not my favorite places to visit) and spent as many nights together as we could.

Yep, Maura and I had a classical summer romance when we were teenagers and then our time was over.

Of course, we tried to stay in touch, but Maura was busy with her medical studies and I joined the police academy, and at some point, we were too busy with our own lives.

When I found out that she'd become the new Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts I was ...

You probably think that I was horrified and that her sudden appearance reopened old sores but that was not the case.

I won't deny that I was really surprised when I saw Maura for the first time and I could clearly see that she was no different.

I also won't deny that we first had to get to know each other again. After all, many years had gone by and we had changed. We were no longer the careless teens we were once.

You certainly think that we had blamed each other because our ways had separated in this way.

Come on, this is no cheesy romantic comedy and it wasn't like we'd fallen madly in love with each other.

We cared for each other, we liked each other, but neither of us ever said I love you.

Okay, I won't lie to you either.

Since Maura's back in my life, every now and then I have some inappropriate thought and do wish that we could be nineteen again, enjoying our lives together, and sometimes I catch Maura with the same expression.

I mean, which best friend would let the other undress her with the eyes?

„You look awful," Maura states, scrutinizing me long.

I sit up in my chair and furrow my brows. „Wow, thank you very much." I'm sipping my water and let my eyes trail over her body. „And you look -" I grumble and she raises her brows, and my shoulders slump. „As always."

She glances down at me and chuckles.

I roll my eyes again and immediately regret it. I change my sitting position and furl my brows. „What brought you up here?"

She's grinning again and shrugs without answering my question.

„You wanna see with which rookie I have to deal in the next few weeks, don't you?"

Her smirk grows and I groan.

„You know, when I was still a patrol officer back then, we didn't have to be assigned to units, it was: First in time, first in line."

„That's why you're a homicide detective now," she asks, turning down the corners of her mouth.

I scowl at her and furl my brows. „First of all, I was a patrol officer for years and then I joined Vice before I was transferred to Homicide."

„I know," she replies, placing her hand on my shoulder. „You really deserve it."

I blink a couple of times and set my jaw. I've heard such undertone more often in my career. „Are you trying to imply something?"

Maura glances surprised at me and shakes her head. „No, I don't. I mean it. You worked hard for the job as a Homicide detective."

Yes, I admit it, sometimes I overreact, especially when it comes to my job in this unit.

Too many times I was accused to have this job just because I'm a woman And I know that Maura would never imply such a thing.

She also works in a man's world and also has some hard days. There are way too many jackasses who think that an attractive woman can't handle the work of men.

I'm talking about Maura, not me.

There are many male MEs who can learn a thing or two from my best friend.

I run a hand through my hair and heave a sigh. „I'm sorry," I mumble.

My favorite doctor nods and smiles a little. „I know."

I lean back in my chair and frown. „Are you free tonight?"

Maura smirks at me and nods. „Yes, I am."

„Can I come over," I ask and am rewarded with a huge smile.

I know it sounds weird that I ask her if I can drop by, but I am indeed adaptive.

A few weeks ago, I wasn't in the mood to spend the night alone, got a six-pack of beer for me, a bottle of red wine for Maura and Chinese takeout for both of us, and barged in her house without calling or ringing the doorbell.

Big mistake!

Unfortunately, I had forgotten that Maura had a date this evening and caught the two on the couch, making out.

I can't even remember the name of the other blonde.

Anyway, after that night, I avoided Maura like the plague.

Not only because the situation was more than awkward for me but also because ...

Well, I can't really explain why I left the beverage and the food on Maura's kitchen counter and wished Maura and the nameless woman a good night.

I clear my throat to push the memory to the side and furrow my brows. „I bring pizza." I chuckle when Maura makes a face.

Yeah, I know that she's a health fanatic, but that doesn't mean that she can't have a greasy pizza every now and then.

I lean in and lift my brows. „I know that you love Italian."

Maura keeps eye contact, swallows hard but the corners of her mouth twitch briefly upwards.

I grin triumphantly and lean back in my chair when she glances down at me for a second.

Any other woman would blush shamefully, but Maura isn't like any other woman. I already found that out during our summer romance.

I have to mention that I am not like any other woman, either, in many ways.

I open my mouth to add something when suddenly all my colleagues get up to their feet and turn their attention to the entrance of the bullpen.

Maura does the same and I roll my eyes with a groan while getting up to my own feet.

I hate it when everyone pretends that they would listen to what Rowe has to say unless he talks about promotions, failures of our precinct or about a cop who's getting a medal attached to his chest in public.

Maura thrusts her elbow into my ribs and I scowl at her for a second before I start smirking.

I know that the appeal has something to do with showing respect to Rowe, but he also can assign us the rookies while we sit and drink coffee.

Speaking of coffee, I glance at my desk and eye Maura's paper mug.

„Don't you dare," the doctor hisses and I chuckle.

I listen to Rowe's encomium about the achievements of the rookies in the last year and cross my arms over my chest with a sigh.

Maura looks at me admonishingly and glances down at her phone, that she's holding in her hand the entire time like she's expecting an important call.

I eye the four officers next to my lieutenant skeptically while going deaf. I've heard similar encomiums way too many times, one more time and I'll be institutionalized.

I take a closer look at the group of four.

The dark-skinned young man holds his chin up proudly while he has pushed his thumbs through the belt loop of his pants-

At first glance, he seems eager to be a member of the homicide unit. At second glance, I rather have the feeling that he's eager to cause trouble and to drive his mentor crazy.

I always support young officer who can't wait to get on the streets, but I also like it when they listen to those who are more experienced.

Then I take a look at the tall, dark-haired man and furrow my brows.

He makes a completely different impression. On the contrary, he seems nervous and almost shy, insecure.

God, I hope that this guy won't be assigned to me.

Then I glance at the light-blond woman and tug my chin in.

She lets her gaze wander over us detectives and has a smug smile on her lips as if she's expecting us to recognize her.

I get the feeling that I could try to hammer my knowledge home to her, and yet it would be in vain.

I make a face and run my fingers over my left brow.

Please, dear god, please don't let her be my protégé.

I promise to live a sinless life if you hear my prayer.

I grunt and then eyes the last officer and my heart stops.

I must have poor eyesight!

The young woman has dark hair and brown eyes and smiles like a Cheshire cat.

If I wouldn't know it any better, I would think that I look at the reflection of my younger self.

I furl my brows and glance down at my best friend.

Maura looks like she has seen a ghost. She's ashy and her eyes are as big as saucers when she swallows hard and starts to fumble with her phone.

I know that there are upset her so quickly, and it seems like she has seen something or someone that makes her extremely nervous.

„Rizzoli," Rowe's voice tears me out of my train of thought and I blink at him, I notice that the crowd slowly dissolves again.

I conclude from Korsak's dumbfounded expression that the shy officer was assigned to him.

I turn my head and see Blondie sitting down at Frankie's desk and trying to start flirting with my brother immediately.

The dark-skinned officer follows Detective Kaiser, a good man, but old enough to retire.

„Rizzoli," my lieutenant barks again and I swallow a groan as I look back at him and the grinning woman that looks like my younger me. „You'll spend a lot of time with Officer Knox for the next couple of weeks."

Knox smiles broadly when she approaches me and extends her hands when she stands in front of me. „Detective Rizzoli, it's an honor to meet you. I heard a lot of good things about you."

I ignore Knox and frown deeply when my best friend starts leaving. „Maura -"

The doctor looks briefly over her shoulder and frowns, too. I'll see you tonight, Jane."

I growl deeply and start the attempt to follow Maura and almost knock Knox over without introducing myself properly.

I groan and look at the surprised young woman. This is anything but to start the training of an attentive young officer. „I'm sorry," I say, frowning and pointing at my desk.

I lick my lips and don't exactly know what to do. Following Maura or staying with Knox. „Um, on the shelf are the files of the cases we already solved. Feel free and have a look. I'll be back in a minute."

Knox blinks a few times and sits down on my desk chair hesitantly.

I take a deep breath and follow Maura down the hall just to see that she's entered the elevator and that the doors are closing.

I can see her apologetic look and drop my hands to my sides.

I close my eyes for a second and turn on my heels so I can apologize properly for my behavior.


	2. Chapter 1

**You guys are crazy and amazing! **

**I never thought this story would get such good feedback. **

**Thank you, thank you, thank you! **

**Today I finally have a new update for you. I hope you'll like it. **

**Of course, as usual, you may share your thoughts with me. **

**Have a good time, **

**T73.**

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I'm sitting in the Dirty Robber and sip my third beer. Actually, I didn't want to get drunk today but I don't care anymore.

Actually, I was planning to spend a cozy evening with my best friend, eat pizza and talk about anything and nothing.

I empty the bottle and set my jaw. A nice evening, my ass.

I tried to get in touch with Maura several times until she'd text me that she would have to cancel and that she'd make up for it another time.

At least my mother makes sure that I get replenishment even though she silently tells me that I should get home. „Is Maura having a date again?"

Every time she's asking me that she almost sounds like my friend's betraying me. As if Maura doesn't have the right to date.

I furrow my brows with a shrug. „She just wrote that she has to cancel, no idea why."

Ma wipes the counter with a rag and takes a deep breath. „You should finally ask her out."

I choke on my new beer and glance at her in disbelieve. „Really, Ma?"

She rolls her eyes and glares at me. „At least, start to date again. When was the last time you've spent an evening with a nice woman?"

„You hated every single of m girlfriends as far as I remember," I scoff and raise the bottle to my lips, quirking an eyebrow.

„Because you have a terrible taste in woman," she replies, shrugging.

„You won't set me up," I laugh and my mother rolls her eyes once more. „I'm pretty happy with my current life."

She snorts and throws the rag into the sink. „Your current life involves you sitting here every night, getting wasted."

„Maybe I just enjoy your company," I shoot back and Ma snorts again.

I know that Ma doesn't buy it and start tugging on the label of my beer.

„Seriously, Jane. You should finally grow some balls and tell Maura how you feel about her."

My eyes shoot up and I frown deeply. „She knows exactly how I feel about her."

„Nonsense," my mother replies and I furl my brows.

„What do you think how I feel about her," I ask and straighten up.

She's bracing herself on her hands and leans in a little to meet my eyes. „You like her."

„Of course I like her, Ma," I laugh and relax again. „Maura's my best friend."

„You like her more than just a friend, Jane."

„Now that's nonsense," I reply and lean back in my chair, rubbing my forehead vigorously.

My mother gets the gesture wrong and leans forward. „Maura's feeling the same for you."

I blink several times and open my mouth to tell her to butt out and turn my head when I hear the door opening. „Great," I groan and drop my chin to my chest when I see Knox and Blondie entering my regular pub. „Not even here I'm safe from them."

Ma's glancing at Knox and Blondie, and then at me. „Are these your rookies?"

I raise my eyes and don't even bother to ask how the hell she knows that we got rookies. „Yes."

„Which one is yours?"

„They are no puppies," I chuckle and glance amused at my mother.

„Jane."

I roll my eyes and thrust my chin at Knox. „The dark one."

„Thank goodness," Ma breathes and I look surprised at her.

Knox' eyes meet mine and she whispers something to her friend before heading in my direction.

I growl deeply and roll my bottle between my hands. I have so many questions for the young woman and have no idea how to bring them up without appearing creepy or curious.

„Hi," Knox whispers as she sits down next to me and I feel her eyes on me.

I take a deep breath and nod to myself. „Hey."

The young woman clears her throat before ordering a Cuba Libre. „We had a rough start, hadn't we?"

I nod slowly and wiggle my brows. „Yeah. I'm sorry about that." I finally glance at Knox when my mother nudges me. „You are twenty-one, aren't you?"

Knox glances at me and scoffs amused. „Yeah, for quite a while."

I nod once more and my mother gets back to work. „Cuba Libre isn't a real drink."

Knox looks surprised at me and raises her brows. „Oh?"

I smile weakly and rub my forehead once again. „I didn't catch your first name this morning."

„Charlene, but my friends call me Charlie."

I see Ma eyeing us while mixing the drink and her faint smile.

I clear my throat and take a deep breath. „I'll call you Knox. You can call me detective, Detective Rizzoli, or even Your Majesty."

„I certainly won't call you Your Majesty," the young woman laughs and thanks my mother for the drink.

I smirk and run my hand through my hair. „The next few weeks will be no walk in the park."

„I know."

I set my jaw for a second and realize that we're having the talk we already should have had this morning. „So you already have seen a kid that has been shot in the head or a kid that looks like it's sleeping though it died of carbon monoxide poisoning?"

Knox looks long at me and presses her lips together before shaking her head. „No."

I nod slowly and flip a peanut into my mouth. „I thought so. You probably think that you've seen it all in the year as an officer, Knox, but you haven't. There are monsters out there who do things to others you can't even think of."

"I can handle that."

I eye her for a moment and chuckle humorlessly. „That's what so many have said and then they stood in the bushes and puked their guts out. There are cases which get under your skin, no matter how long you're working for Homicide."

Knox swallows hard and furrows her brows. „How long are you working in Homicide?"

I sigh heavily and raise my hand to grab my mothers attention. „Seventeen years, but that's enough about work for tonight. Now we're gonna make a real woman of you."

Knox chokes and I smirk.

„What can I get you," Ma asks, eyeing the young woman skeptically.

I hold up two fingers and lean forward. „Two Tullamore, please."

The young woman shakes her head and I quirk a brow. „I don't drink that stuff."

My mother laughs heartily and pours two whiskey glasses. „Honey, if you wanna play with the big kids you have to get a thick skin, and this is going to help you." She stops and reaches out her hand. „Jane, give me your keys."

My facial muscles twitch and I roll my eyes while fishing my keys out of my pocket, handing them over.

My mother's expression is unreadable. „Jane, can I have a minute?"

I turn the corners of my mouth down and follow her to the other end of the counter. „What is it?"

„What the hell are you doing," my mother hisses her question. „The girl could be your younger sister."

I furl my brows and blink a couple of times before I chuckle. „Ma, relax. I have no intention to hook her up." I sigh heavily when she raises her brows and crosses her arms. „Look, I have to work with the girl in the next few weeks. At least I should know her a little bit."

Ma scoffs and turns to leave.

I roll my eyes and rejoin Knox again.

„Everything okay," the young woman asks.

I grit my teeth and nod before I lift my whiskey glass. „Everything's perfect." I hesitate for a second. „Bottoms up," I say before I down the amber liquid.

„Cheers," Knox replies and downs her own drink. She stops, looks me in the eye, makes a face and chokes briefly.

I grunt amused and high five my mother.

„They always think that they know what they're doing," Ma laughs and pours the next round.

The shy guy enters the Dirty Robber with Kaiser's protégé. „Hey, shy guy," I call and they both turn to me. I hold my empty glass up and frown deeply. „Are you up for this?"

The shy guy grins broadly and raises his thumb.

I grin too and tell my mother to pour them the same drink.

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I groan when someone enters my bedroom and pulls up the shutters.

I'm not sure if I've overslept or if my mother wants to make sure I didn't choke on my own puke.

I run my hands over my face, my neck and then my tense shoulders. Did I move at all since I laid down on my bed. „Jesus, Ma. Give me a moment."

„No," I hear a familiar voice and I freeze. „As far as I know, I'm not your mother."

I peer through my fingers and smile bashfully when I spot Maura. „Hey, what are you doing here?"

Maura crosses her arms over her chest and raises her brows. „You don't remember?"

I swallow hard and notice that my throat is as dry as a bone.

My best friend rolls her eyes and points at my nightstand. „There's a glass of water."

I prop myself up on my elbow and a searing pain shoots through my brain, and I make a face. „What about Ibuprofen?"

„Oh no," the doctor laughs humorlessly and I frown slightly. „You don't get Ibuprofen."

I sip my water. „Maura -" I croak.

Maura holds up a hand and sucks in her bottom lip. „Nancy called me in the middle of the night and asked my if I can get you home because you refused to get into a cab with a serial killer. She also told me that you had a binge with your protégés."

I bury my face in my hands again and groan. No, I have no memory about that part of the night. I turn my head to the side and sigh in relief when I find it empty.

„No, you haven't hooked a stranger up," Maura states as if she can read my mind. „Jane, is it because of out latest case?"

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, licking my lips. She's talking about a case that got under everybody's skin.

I can still see the peaceful faces of the eight-year-old girl and the four-year-old boy when I close my eyes.

Victims of a mother who had poisoned her children with sleeping pills so she can be with a man who didn't want to have children. „Maybe. I don't know."

Maura presses her lips together and starts to pick up my clothes from the floor. „You should take a shower, I'll make you breakfast."

I sit up and glance long at the doctor. „Maura -"

„You should hurry," she cuts me off with a sigh. „I don't want to be late for work because I have to take care of my crapulous best friend."

I roll my eyes and fold my cover back to comply with Maura's instructions.

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I stand in front of the protégés and take a closer look at all of them.

Korsak has to be in the court and Frankie has a day off while Kaiser attends one of his many medical appointments, so I took over responsibility for the four rookies at short notice.

No, I'm not overworked at all!

I scowl at the dark-skinned man. „What's your name?"

He blinks a few times and frowns. „Peter McCarty, Ma'am."

Yeah, I know. You should think that I'd remember their names after last night in the Dirty Robber, but I don't.

I tug at the hem of his shirt that sticks out of his pants. „Are you going undercover in the drug scene without my knowledge?"

McCarty hesitates and swallows hard, shaking his head. „No, Ma'am."

„Then put your damn shirt in your pants," I growl low and glance at the shy guy with a deep frown because I don't have to rake him over the coals. „What's your name?"

„Luc ... Lucas Herrera," he stammers.

I nod slowly and furl my brows. „I'll call you Herrera."

He nods vehemently. „Yes, Ma'am."

Blondie's standing in front of me with a broad chest and grants me insights into her neckline that I don't want to have. „What's your name?"

„Ruth McFarland," Blondie answers with a grin.

„Are you working for Vice, McFarland," I ask and furrow my brows.

She blinks confused. „No."

„Then button up your shirt," I order and point on my own chest. „I don't want to see ... that!"

McFarland blushes and buttons her shirt up instantly.

I stand in front of Knox and set my jaw. „Knox, correct?"

„Yes," she breathes, trying to avoid my eyes.

I turn my head a little because I couldn't quite hear her. „What?"

Knox clears her throat but still avoids my eyes. „Yes, Ma'am. Charlene Knox."

I grit my teeth and snap at her buttoned collar. „Open one of your buttons, we're not in a monastery!"

Yeah, I know. It's not my glorious moment, but sometimes I have to blow off steam at something or someone.

I glance at McFarland once again and furl my brows. „McFarland. Why does your name sound familiar to me?"

Blondie smirks again and the others roll their eyes. „My uncle is the -"

I place my finger on my lips and frown. „Right, the Department of Organized Crime is currently investigating Patrick McFarland, the mayor's brother. Are you related to them?"

She turns pale and the others chuckle.

I straighten up and glare at them, and they fall silent.

„I'm the mayor's niece."

I nod slowly and step closer. „I don't care. If I tell you to jump, you'll ask how high."

„We're not working for you," Blondie hisses back.

„Ssh," Knox hisses back.

I purse my lips, nod once more and rub my left eye. „True, you don't work for me, you work for the city of Boston and its citizens. A criminal gives a rat's ass about the fact you're the daughter of our president or the daughter of a road sweeper when they're shooting at you. You should've learned this in the last year." I stop and remove my badge from my belt, holding it up. „I know that all of you want such a badge, that's why you're here." I see that the four are staring at my badge as if they're hypnotized and I know that I was with my assumption right. „And that's why I'm here, to prepare you for what it means to be a true detective, no matter in which department you're gonna work in the end." I stop right in front of Herrera and Knox. „You don't get the badge because you're pretty." I glance at Blondie and furrow my brows. „Or because you have connections." I eye McCarty and the young man set his jaw. „Or because you belong to minorities. You get this badge because you're working 24/7 your ass off even though your body and mind is telling you to go home and get some rest. You get this badge because you've proven that you'll out the greater good above your own. The work of a detective isn't just a job, it's a vocation, a life's work. Do you understand that?"

The four nod and say in unison, „Yes, Ma'am."

„Great," I state and wonder how I conjured my little speech. „then let's get to work. Herrera, McFarland, McCarty, you'll take care of the paperwork Sergeant Korsak, Detective Rizzoli, and Detective Kaiser." I raise my brows when the three groan at the same time. „This is not to discuss."

The three roll their eyes and make their way to the desks of the said detectives.

„Knox," I said, grabbing my jacket from the back of my chair. „you come with me."

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I stand with Knox at the shooting range while we gather our belongings so we can leave again.

I actually thought that we'd be here for only two or three hours, as it turned out I thought wrong.

Knox isn't a bad markswoman, but I quickly realized that she probably never had pulled the trigger on duty.

Don't get me wrong, I'm always happy when I work with someone who doesn't shoot first and then starts to ask the questions, and I'm also glad if someone has the ability to talk someone down in a dicey situation instead of letting escalate it.

That's what makes a good cop: Analyzing the situation quickly and react to it.

And to be honest, sometimes I envy my colleagues who didn't have to pull the trigger for years.

Why? Because I know that a deadly shot can change a cop forever.

There's the kind of cop who tries to talk a suspect down while pointing a gun at them, and at some point, you have no other option than to take them out before they hurt you, themselves or bystanders.

Then this kind of cop, after the adrenaline level has dropped, is realizing that they ended a life when they're alone. They'll blame themselves, get self-doubts. And they'll wonder if there hasn't been another way to de-escalate the entire situation.

And there's the kind of cop who toot their own horn after shooting a suspect.

Which kind of cop I am?

I am the kind of cop who starts to doubt themselves after pulling the trigger.

I clear my throat while I put on my jacket and furrow my brows. „I suppose you never had to draw your gun during an operation."

Knox glances at me sideways and shrugs. „I had to draw it, but never to pull the trigger."

I clear my throat again and look up for a moment. „And why did you leave Arizona?"

I am met with silence and frown when I see the dark face of the young woman.

I've seen such an expression many times in my career and know exactly that I shouldn't probe Knox more.

The last time I've seen such expression, I've learned that Nina's finacé has been murdered on her shift, so I'm not pushing the other woman anymore.

„He isn't dead."

My eyes snap up when I hear the words. „Excuse me?"

Knox looks at me, smiles faintly and shrugs. „My ex-boyfriend, he's not dead, just a bastard who can't bear rejections. He was ... obtrusive. That's why I moved to Boston."

I look long at her and nod slowly. „Okay." I can see that the young woman is relieved that I don't ask more questions.

How I can see that?

Everybody gives themselves away by tiny little twitches of their facial muscles, that's what you learn as a good detective. You don't have to write a thesis about it, you just have to be attentive.

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I stand in my bedroom and change into a comfortable tee and sweats, taking a deep breath.

I don't know why Knox' story gets to me so much. I mean, she's not the first cop who has a tragic family history and who got involved with the wrong partner.

Okay, a sister who overdosed herself and a mother who's lost because of that is really strong stuff. And then also a stalker?

Then even I would probably get my things and leave for good.

I freeze when I hear that someone opens the front door. I'm sure that I'm not expecting anyone.

I walk cautiously down the stairs with a pounding heart and enter the living area.

I roll my eyes when I spot my mother in the kitchen, starting to clean it. I cross my arms and clear my throat loudly.

Ma jumps and whirls around, placing a hand over her heart. „Jesus, Jane. You scared me."

„You're lucky I didn't shoot you," I reply and quirk a brow, walking to the kitchen counter. „What are you doing here?"

My mother's putting the dirty plates into my dishwasher and raises her brows. „I clean up your mess. I'm surprised that the health department hasn't shut down this place yet."

I roll my eyes once more and sit down on one of the high chairs.

She doesn't look at me while she cleans my kitchen. „What's wrong with you and Maura? Have you been fighting again?"

I blink a few times and frown. „No, we didn't fight. We're good."

„I heard something else."

„And what did you hear?"

Ma finally straightens up and looks long at me. „I heard that you two avoided each other all day."

I clench my jaw and swallow a deep growl. Only one could have told that Ma. I'll kill Kent for that.

I raise my left shoulder and furrow my brows. „Maura and I don't work together all the time. I had enough to do with the rookies and Maura had a business lunch today." I roll my eyes again when she looks skeptically at me.

„I like Charlie," she suddenly changes the topic and pours me a glass of water. „Somehow she reminds me of you when you were younger. She's ambitious as you when you started to work for the law enforcement."

When I was younger? She sounds like I'm already sixty.

I run my hand through my hair and nod slowly. „Yeah, she's a pretty good officer."

„You don't sound so sure about that, Jane."

I smile faintly and sip my water. „I have to be sure that I can trust Knox when we get into a hairy situation, Ma. Basically, she's just a kid."

Okay, it's not that I don't trust Knox, it's just that I generally don't like surprises or changes, that's why I think that I wasn't the best choice when Rowe assigned her to me.

I could ask the other three rookies how Knox is doing as an officer, but I trust paper more. That's one of the reasons why I asked Knox, supervisor, to send me her personnel file while I had lunch.

I admit that I haven't had the time, or maybe the courage, to take a look at it, but her supervisor assured that the young woman is one of the best he had ever worked with.

Nevertheless, I'm still a little skeptical. I can't say why.

My train of thought stops abruptly when the front door opens once again and I turn my attention to it. My heart stops when Maura enters with a plastic bag that tells me that she stopped at our favorite Chinese.

Ma grins broadly and gathers her belongings. „That's my cue to leave."

I open my mouth to say something. Something tells me that my best friend isn't here because of pure kindheartedness. Something tells me that she was lured here by my mother.

Ma gives me no chance to ask her what the hell is going on, I've never seen her leaving my place so fast.

Maura seems to be as surprised as I am and raises her brows. „I thought Angela was going to have dinner with us," she murmurs while she puts down the bag on the counter.

I rub my tired eyes before I help her out of her coat and sigh. „And I was thinking that I'll spend my night alone with pizza and TV," I reply and frown deeply.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce myself?

Jane Rizzoli, Homicide detective, and full-time asshole.

Maura smiles at me and sits down on the chair next to mine.

I go to one of the kitchen cabinets and get two plates out of it, placing them on the counter. „How was your business lunch?"

Okay, maybe I spent the last few years in a coma or lived in a parallel universe, but if I'm not wrong, then every conversation of a married couple that hasn't seen each other all day starts that way.

Why am I asking this question and why am I sounding jealous?

Maura leans back in her chair and takes a deep breath. „Slow."

„Sounds like something I'm glad I don't have to attend," I state with a faint smile and put the food on our plates.

„Well, there are some things I have to attend even though I want to be somewhere else if I want to stay the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth Massachusetts." She replies and glances at the file on the counter. „Is this a new case?"

I also look at the file and clear my throat. „Um, no. No, today was a slow day, that's just ... research."

She raises her brows and licks her lips. „And with that you more mean a background check, right?"

I roll my eyes and my shoulders slump. „I just wanna know who's gonna be my new partner for the next few weeks." I can see her skeptical look and shrug. „I hate changes."

„I know," Maura chuckles and wiggles her brows when I scowl at her. „It is not a secret, Jane. Shall I remind you how you reacted when I came back to Boston and took over the lab and morgue?"

I glance long at her and furrow my brows. „No, because that day I nearly danced a jig because that incompetent idiot Moss finally realized that it'd be best to retire." I chuckle when I see her admonishing look.

It's true, I really was more than happy when Fred Moss finally retired, not so happy when I've seen who'd take over the forensic department. Not because Maura is Maura but because we have a history no one knows of. Maura is about to take the file in her hand but I slam my hand down on it. Smiling apologetically I say, „I don't want to deal with it tonight." I clench my jaw and don't state that I'm not sure if I want to deal with it at all.

I don't even know what information I hope to get from this file, it's not that this is a résumé in which every single stage of life is listed accurately.

If I want to know who Charlene Knox really is, it'd be best to ask the young woman herself instead of snooping around.

Well, I'm not literally snooping around. I'm just trying to figure out what kind of person and cop Knox is, and if she's indeed a good candidate for the detective's exam. At least that's my official statement.

„Should I worry," Maura asks all of a sudden.

I chew on my food lost in thought and turn my head to my best friend slowly. „Hmm?"

„Should I worry?"

„Why should you worry," I ask her surprised back and furl my brows.

She pulls the corners of her mouth down and shrugs. „The mayor's niece is Frankie's protégé."

I sip my mouth with a napkin and sip my water. „Blondie could be Rowe's daughter, just because of that she won't get special treatment, Maura."

„Does she know that, too," she asks and raises her brows.

I blink a few times without answering the question. Somehow I have a hunch that McFarland was misbehaving while Knox and I had been at the shooting range. At least that wouldn't surprise me. „Why are you asking?"

She gets up, goes to one of the cupboards, takes out a wine glass and pours herself a white wine. „You'd better ask Officer Gonzales."

I drop my chopsticks on my plate and growl loudly.

Although Mike Gonzales is working for BPD for only two years, he's always friendly and reliable. He's one of the uniformed I really like to work with and in my opinion, he'd be a better candidate for the detective's exam than McFarland.

Unfortunately, the man hasn't the same connections as Blondie.

Yeah, sometimes life sucks.

„As long as she treats you with due respect, I won't rip McFarland's head off," I smirk broadly when she lowers her brows. „I know, I know. You're a big girl who can take care of herself. Still -"

She rolls her eyes but smiles broadly.

I clear my throat and scrutinize her closely. „Why did you leave so suddenly yesterday?"

Maura sips her wine before she presses her lips together. „I ... I was waiting for a test result that had first priority."

„In the bullpen?"

„Yes."

I don't know if I like Maura's newly found ability to lie.

I take a deep breath and run my fingers over my right brow.

Maura glances at my phone when it starts buzzing and then she looks surprised at me. „I thought you were off tonight."

„Yeah," I growl and look at the display. „Me too." It's not the number of the dispatch.

I don't know who's number that is. Maybe it's one of my CI I recruited when we were investigating a murder spree in the Russian mob scene.

I pray silently that my CI won't tell me that there is a new gang war getting started when I answer the call. „Rizzoli."


	3. Chapter 2

**Hey guys, **

**I can't thank you enough for your support. **

**I never thought that this story would go down so well with you. **

**And thank you so much for following, favoring and reviewing.**

**I've already finished two more chapters which only needs a little fine-tuning. **

**I hope you'll like this update, and of course, you're welcome to share your thoughts with me about this installation.**

**Enjoy, **

**T73. **

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„Did she tell you what's going on," Maura wants to know while she's sitting in the passenger seat.

„Nope," I answer and maneuver my car through the streets of Boston.

„Did she tell you why she called you?"

„Nope."

„Did she say anything?"

„No, we telepathically communicated with each other while holding our phone's to our ears," I reply, glancing at her with a smirk and she huffs. „I know as much as you do, Maura. So nothing at all."

The tersely call worries me as much as my best friend. I have no idea what awaits me there and how I'll react.

All I know is that I'll freak out if anything happened to her.

It almost seems that Maura can sense my inner turmoil because she tries to reassure me with a simple gesture that no matter what we'll find, I won't have to deal with it alone. She puts her hand on my thigh and looks long at me.

This gesture almost causes me standing on the breaks and causing a major traffic accident.

I can't tell why I react that way. In all these years, such a gesture didn't unhinge me, but somehow tonight everything's different.

Thoughts have been crossing my mind lately that I haven't had for years ... No, for decades. Confusing thoughts.

What caused them? I don't know!

Perhaps the fact that Maura's dating a construction draftsman named Derek Newton for two weeks now.

I didn't mention that? My bad.

They met at an art exhibition I refused to go to.

Not my brightest moment.

I doubt that Newton would've made a move on Maura if I'd been there.

Yeah, sometimes life really is a bitch.

And yes, sometimes you don't get a second chance in life.

I furl my eyebrows and sit up in the driver's seat.

Where the hell is all of this suddenly coming from?

Maura misinterprets my body language and rubs soothingly my thigh with her thumb. „She's fine, Jane."

I swallow hard before sighing loudly. „Yeah," I agree and smile faintly. „I know."

I want to tell her what actually is bothering me for days but instead, I stop the car at the curb, unbuckling and getting out.

I'm not waiting for my friend, push the door vigorously open and can see that some tables have been knocked over and broken glasses lying on the floor.

A sign something has gone totally wrong.

My heart is pounding hard and panic seizes me when I see the mess. „Ma?"

Frankie emerges from the kitchen with a broom, and brush in his hands. He glances at me and nods in the direction of a booth. „She's over there."

„Is she okay," I ask while approaching the booth.

He nods and lifts his shoulders. „Ma is okay, but -"

I'm not waiting until he finishes his sentence and round the corner that separates me from my mother and my shoulders slump.

Of course, this has to do with these four.

Ma's sitting next to Herrera and holds a tea towel to his nose while he has his head back in his neck.

McFarland sits at the other end of the table, burying her face in her hands while Knox nervously chews on the nail of her thumb, and McCarthy tries to calm an angry brunette I don't know.

„What the hell happened here," booms my voice in the Dirty Robber and Knox whirls around.

Ma looks up and frowns deeply. „Jane, get some ice."

My eyebrows shoot up and I glance at Maura, snapping my fingers. „Maura, get some ice."

Maura blinks surprised at me and Frankie chuckles when she complies my request.

I cross my arms over my chest and repeat my question, „What the hell happened here?"

Herrera wants to answer but my mother tells him to stay still.

„It was only a small disagreement between two men," she answers instead.

I look around the ravaged bar and drop m hands to my side and frown deeply. „Only a little disagreement between two men. Will you tell that Korsak tomorrow when he finds his pub like this?"

Maura comes back with ice and hands it to my mother.

„That's why I called you and your brother," Ma answers, smiling charmingly.

„She wants us to clean up this mess," my brother states before locking the door and starting to sweep the broken glasses.

I blink a few times and glance at Maura who tries in vain to suppress an amused grin.

„Oh no," I chuckle humorlessly, shaking my head. „That won't happen. Who's responsible for that?"

Herrera, Knox, and McCarthy are pointing at McFarland simultaneously and the blonde's looking up hesitantly.

I quirk my brow while Maura takes Herrera's first aid over. „Explain this mess."

„I just wanted to have some fun," McFarland laughs and shrugs.

„Fun," I reply, clenching my jaw.

„She was flirting with two guys at the same time," Herrera mumbles into the towel, frowning deeply. „She wanted to get her hands on free drinks, and eventually the situation escalated when McFarland wanted to head out with one of the guys."

„What about you," I growl and Knox looks at me with big eyes. „Where have you been?"

„I ... was with the boys," she answers, swallowing hard when I quirk a brow. „I tried to deescalate the situation."

I close briefly my eyes and thrust my chin at the mad brunette. „And who is she?"

„The girlfriend of one of the guys with whom Ruth flirted," Knox answers.

„Wow," I laugh humorlessly and my mother gets up with a roll of her eyes. „And what's your boyfriend's name? And most of all, what's his name?"

„Steve," the woman whimpers. „Steve Mayer. He left before you arrived."

„Great," I grumble and glance sternly at my rookies. „That's exactly how I imagined my night off. Babysitting my rookies."

„Jane," Maura says warningly.

I groan and run my hands over my face. „What is it, Maura? Do we have to take this dumbass to the hospital?"

„No," Herrera disagrees and shakes his head. „I'm fine."

Maura looks long at me and grins broadly.

That's why I know that he'll survive without being hospitalized.

I take a deep breath and point at Blondie. I raise my brows when she's about to say something. „Don't!" I simply say and McFarland ducks her head.

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Yes, Korsak was more than pissed when he got to know what had happened in his pub.

That's why he told Herrera, McFarland, and McCarthy to do all his work and to catalog all his notes.

I don't know why I held a protective hand over Knox when he was raging. I just can't imagine that she had a bigger part in the incident.

Two weeks ago, the four have partially dismantled the dirty Robber and it's pissing Blondie, McCarthy, and Herrera that they haven't left BPD since then.

„There are not many officers who don't mind the sight of a decomposing body," I hear Maura saying when I reach the double door of the autopsy room and pause, glancing through the window.

Knox leans over the decomposing body. „It's not the sight but mire the smell."

I enter the autopsy room and lean my hip against a metal table, but then I make a face because my best friend has peeled off the face of the dead.

„Nor is it the first suicide I see," adds the young woman.

Maura's eyes snap up and she frowns deeply. „I can't confirm that it was suicide."

Knox straightens up and points at something I can't see from my position. „Yes, but the entry wound and the bullet canal indicates that this man committed suicide. Aside from the fact that you found traces of gun powder at his temple. That tells me that he got shot from a close range."

I suppress a chuckle and raise my brows.

Do outsiders see Maura and me this way?

Knox suddenly adds. „You also mentioned that there was gun powder on his right hand."

„The tox screen isn't finished yet," Maura counters and glances long at the other woman. „The man could have been drugged and then been shot."

„Rizzoli and I found the gun next to the couch. This guy put a bullet in his head."

Maura glares at the young woman and licks her lips.

I clear my throat before the situation gets out of hand and the two women glance at me. „Am I interrupting?"

Maura seems to relax instantly when she spots me. „Detective."

„No, Ma'am," Knox answers, swallowing hard.

I eye them for a moment and an amused smile flits over my lips.

Maura has an expression that is more than familiar to me.

The expression when I try to make her a little faster or when I try to get a hunch out of her. „What can I do for you," she wants to know and her voice is a little harsh.

Knox rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest, squinting up at the ceiling.

I have to swallow down my amused chuckle. I look at the two women and scratch my temple. „Nina and I found out that Tobias Johnson had a mental disorder. He got treated with meds and went every week to his shrink. But the idea of committing suicide never got away." I take a deep breath and shrug. „His sister will be here in two hours."

Maura glares at me and hands me the file in which she probably confirms that Johnson killed himself.

I take a look at the report and hand it to my rookie.

„So, it was suicide," Knox states when she looks up.

Maura rolls her eyes this time.

I frown deeply and shove my hands in my pockets. „Yes, you and Korsak are going to tell his sister about our findings."

The young woman looks at me almost incredulously and shifts her weight from one foot to the other.

I suddenly have a bad feeling about it and frown once again.

It's one thing if you've never pulled the trigger of your gun, it's another if you've never told a relative that a loved one committed suicide. „Is there a problem, Officer Knox."

Knox glances back at the file and shakes her head. „No, there is no problem. I just thought ... that you are my training officer and that -"

I raise my brows and glance at Maura who's grinning broadly. „Sometimes I also have a day off or leave. I won't always be there to hold your hand, Knox."

She hesitates and nods slowly. „Yes, Ma'am," she states and heads out of the autopsy room.

My shoulders slump and chuckle. „I've never been like that."

„I doubt that," she laughs and I scowl at her before grinning broadly.

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Maura puts fresh food in my fridge while I'm sitting on my couch and finally read Knox' personnel file. „It's not a bad idea to go to the grocery every now and then, Jane."

I look up and furrow my brows. I have to mention that I didn't ask Maura for this favor or that I knew that she would stop by.

I suspect that once again my mother is behind this.

I roll my eyes and put my feet on my coffee table. I know that my best friend is right but why should I buy groceries even though I know that they'll get spoiled. „I hate shopping."

„You hate to buy groceries?"

I take a sip of my beer and look back into the file, wiggling my brows. „I hate shopping in general.

Maura chuckles and sips her red wine. „This file has to be extremely interesting."

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and inhale deeply. „Knox is really an extraordinary officer and I can see why her superiors think that she's a good candidate for Homicide.

She was best of her class, has no records of excessive violence, and also some detectives from other units showered her with eulogies."

„I feel a strong but though."

I sigh heavily and lick my lips with a shake of my head. „No cop can be so perfect, Maura. There's always someone who wants to get to you. You know yourself that this job is worse than a shark tank."

Maura suddenly frowns deeply. „Do you mean that the file is a counterfeitß2

I shake my head again and throw the file onto the coffee table. „No, I rather think that Knox tries to please everyone and that she's not only the wallflower she pretends to be."

„Would you like it more if she'd be an asshole?"

I have to laugh. Maura isn't the kind of person who is calling someone an asshole or a bitch unless she's rattled to the core.

I doubt that Knox managed to upset Maura that much during the minor confrontation in the morgue.

I mean, it took me years to piss Maura that much off.

And I had to shoot her begetter to piss her really off.

She sits down next to me and raises her brows when she spots the worn photo album, lying under the file. „Jane?"

Yeah, I admit it. I'm actually not the kind of person who reminisces every night and mourns the past.

It's not that I only experienced bad things in my past. On the contrary, I've had a good, fulfilled life.

I have two healthy, little brothers.

After a long time, my mother is finally happy again and the woman for whom I'd die without batting an eye is back in my life, too.

Yeah, there had been hard times in the past, but doesn't the phrase say there is more good as compared with evil?

I don't know where I'd be today if there would be neither my family nor Maura.

And yes, I see Korsak and Nina as my family, too. Just like Frost.

I'd die for each of them without batting an eye.

Anyway, I don't know why I got this photo album out when I was alone an hour ago.

I take a deep breath and turn my head to my best friend. „Why didn't we stay in touch, Maura?"

Maura looks confused and surprised at me.

I can see that she knows what I'm alluding but that she wants to make sure that we're on the same page. „Excuse me?"

I swallow hard and furl my brows. I have to be honest with myself.

If we really would have wanted to be together, we'd have found a way. „We were ... we were great together. We were ... enviable."

It's true. Our friends envied us and also bet that a trip around the world could never part us.

They were wrong, though.

Maura inhales sharply and licks her lips. I can see in her eyes that this isn't the first time she has asked herself the same question. „We were young and had different ideas of life, Jane."

„Yeah," I breath and rub my left eye. „but we could have done it if we'd have really tried. I mean, we could have managed a real relationship and not just a childish romance."

I'm not drunk, I know exactly what I'm saying right now.

Since I know of that fucking construction draftsman I can't stop wondering what would have happened if she and I would've really tried.

I don't know if we would have gotten married and started a family, but I guess we'll never know.

While I was thinking about a thousand possible outcomes I realized that I don't feel platonic feelings for my friend. I realized that I fell for my best friend already two decades ago

In this time, I've repressed these feelings and locked them up at some point. I really thought that I've thrown the key to those feelings away.

I take a deep breath and frown deeply. „You've always accepted me the way I am, Maura."

She closes her eyes and shakes her head. „Please don't do that, Jane."

I am well aware that there can't be a worse timing than now. She's dating a successful man who can offer her more than I can. Who can offer her a promising future in which she won't get a call that he got shot in the line of duty, or even killed.

Still, I have to get this off my chest."Maura, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. You make me a better person." I glance straight into her troubled hazel eyes and know that I better should keep my mouth shut. „You've always made me a better person."

Before I know what's happening, Maura's lips are on mine and then she straddles my lap, and I let my hands wander up her back.

This kiss isn't gentle and slow, it is desperate and hungry.

„Wait," I gasp when she starts tugging my shirt out of my pants and she glances at me with a deep frown. „Wait," I repeat while unbuttoning her silky blouse and roaming my hands up her sides, memorizing the sight in front of me. „Wait," I say once again when she rolls her hips with a devilishly grin.

She leans forward and whispers against my lips. „Some things haven't changed."

My eyes fall shut and groan outrageously. „God."

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There are things that are inevitable.

I really believe that the night Maura and I spent together belongs to one of those things.

Do best friends have sex with each other? No, normally not, but Maura and I aren't that kinds of friends.

I have to say that I have no clue what we are right now.

All I can think of is Maura being under me, over me and sounds that she made.

Okay, I should stop reminiscing right now, otherwise, I have to go back to my place and take a very cold shower and that would raise issues.

Since our night Maura's avoiding me like the plague. And that hurts.

I don't even why that is hurting me. I wasn't used for only sex the first time. It hurts anyway.

I enter the precinct and frown when I spot a tall, dark-haired man standing at the front desk and is insisting that he knows Knox and that he wants to talk to her.

Somehow I get the bad feeling that this man is Knox' ex-boyfriend who followed the young officer to Boston.

I decide to throw my coffee away and tell the intrusive bastard to get lost once and for all. „What's the matter, Simmons?"

Simmons, a young man with blond hair, looks at me and relief is washing over his face. „this gentleman wants to talk to Officer Knox."

I quirk a brow while taking in the unknown man. „Is that so?"

„I just want to talk to Charlie Knox," he sighs. „I already told this Officer that she's my sister."

I blink a few times and frown once again. „Your sister?"

He nods vehemently. „Yes, my sister Charlene Knox.

I relax a little and point in the direction of the Café. „Knox' ... Charlie's shift starts in about an hour. May I buy you a coffee while we wait."

He takes a deep breath and nods before grabbing his duffel bag and following me.

I order two coffees and ask the waitress to bring the mugs to the table before joining the young man. „Charlie mentioned that you'd be working on the high seas."

„We also have shore leave every now and then," he mumbles and shrugs.

I smile wryly and lean back in my chair. „I didn't cat your name."

He rubs his hand as if they're hurting from his hard work and frowns deeply. „Jimmy. Jimmy Knox."

„Jane Rizzoli."

Jimmy's eyes grow huge. „You're Charlie's instructor."

„Yeah," I sigh and nod. „something like that."

„She talks a lot about you," he states and gratefully glances at the waitress when she brings our coffee to the table. „Well, if we talk to each other she mentions your name often."

„Sounds like you don't have the best relationship."

The young man pauses and shrugs. „It's ... a long story. Actually, we have a good relationship, but after ... After I left home ... since then it's complicated."

„I see," I say and lick my lips. „Charlie mentioned that the whole situation got complicated after your sister -" Okay, now I better shut my mouth.

And it's actually none of my business. I clear my throat. „What brings you to Boston."

He smiles a little and shrugs. „I haven't seen my sister for more than a year and we didn't part ways on good terms after I told that scumbag of Detective in Arizona to leave Charlie alone."

I lift my brows when he tells me that. I didn't know that her stalker is a cop. „Does Charlie know you're in town?"

„No," Jimmy replies with a mysterious grin, sipping his coffee. „She has no idea that I'm in town."

„I just hope that your reunion doesn't end in a family drama."

The young man chuckles and shrugs again.

I have to admit that the two actually do look alike, besides his light blue eyes.

„I won't give her the chance to start a drama," he mumbles into his mug.

„I don't know why but I don't really believe you," I state and he smirks broadly.

„James," I hear Knox' voice say and turn to spot the woman at the entrance.

„Hey," Jimmy says loudly and gets up from his chair. „Long time no see, little sister."

„What are you doing in Boston," she laughs and makes a face when her brother engulfs her in a hug and lifts her off the floor briefly. He let go of her and scrutinizes her from head to toe. „I'm here to see you. Look at you, you're all grown up."

Knox frowns deeply and looks at me bashfully. „You should have called, I have to work."

I wave her statement off and wiggle my brows. „You can take today off. If I need you, I'll give you a call."

Herrera, who's standing next to the woman, raises his brows and purses his lips.

„Are you sure," my protege asks surprised with a frown.

„Yeah," I answer and lean back in my chair. „it looks like it's gonna be a slow day anyway."

Why the hell am I saying it? Do I wanna jinx this day?

Every time a cop says that it's gonna be a slow day, there is a pile-up, a child disappears or we end up in a shootout."

„I like your boss," Jimmy says and his sister rolls her eyes."

I chuckle but it dies down when Maura enters with Derek the building.

Herrera, Knox, and Jimmy seem to notice the change of my mood.

It changes into something I can't really name.

It's a mix of anger, pain, and betrayal that I feel when I see the draftsman and the doctor.

„Uh-oh," Herrera whispers with raised brows and flinches when Knox thrusts her elbow in his ribs.

I clench my jaw and get up slowly when Maura kisses Derek goodbye.

Knox links her arm with her brother's and drags him towards the exit. „Let's get out before Rizzoli's gonna change her mind."

Herrera chuckles and bids his goodbye.

I don't. I don't even notice the three of them when I follow Maura.

She's pushing the elevator button and looks up to the screen without realizing that I'm standing close.

She gasps when I grab her at the elbow and drag her into a booth.

„Jane," my friend hisses and frowns deeply. „what's wrong with you?"

„What's wrong with me," I growl back and make sure that none of our colleagues can overhear the conversation accidentally. „Actually I should ask you what's wrong with you. Two weeks ago, you come into my house, provide me with food and then let me fuck you senseless, and now you show up with this glib bastard and pretend that nothing happened. So what the hell is wrong with you?"

„The night was a moment of weakness," she replies matter-of-factly and looks me straight in the eye.

I tug my chin in and raise my brows. Now, pain and lack of understanding are replaced by sheer anger and I step into her personal space. „A moment of weakness? Does your boyfriend know about this moment and the fact that you had sex with your best friend without batting an eye?"

This time she avoids my eyes and licks her lips.

Yeah, I know. It maybe sounds like I'm threatening her to tell Derek about it if she doesn't get things straight with him, but that's not what I'm trying to say. I just need to vent my anger and need to understand what actually is happening between Maura and me.

If this night means nothing to Maura, it means that we don't stand a chance.

I need answers because right now I am more confused than I was before.

I need to know if we can get a second shot or if it's better for both of us to move on. I set my jaw and furl my brows. „Maura -"

„I didn't ask for this to happen."

This statement is outrageous. „You're saying that you didn't ask for it. Are you implying that I -"

„No," Maura cuts me off loudly and some colleagues turn their heads in our direction. „No," she repeats in a low voice. „God, no. I didn't mean to imply that. What I meant to say is that I -" she trails off and it's obvious that she has to search for the right words. „I asked you not to be you that night."

„I'm not sure if I should be offended or confused right now."

„You are -" she says and seems a little frustrated that she can't articulate properly. „You are confusing ... and exciting and frustrating at the same time, Jane. You've always been like this, I don't know you another way."

„Sorry," I state and frown deeply so she knows that I'm just a little bit amused right now. People called me many things, but neither of that.

Maura exhales frustrated and shakes her head. I can clearly see that she's about to burst into tears. „And you are loving, sweet and loyal. But you've never been one thing, Jane. You've never been a constant."

I blink several times and frown. „A constant?"

„In general, a constant is a sign or a language expression with a precisely defined meaning that remains unchanged in the course of the consideration. The constant is thus an opposing concept to the variable."

„Yes, I know what a damn constant is, Maura," I cut her harshly off and still don't know what to think of that.

What does this woman want from me? A confession of love? A fucking ring? My heart that I happily hand her my heart on a silver plate so she can stab it right in front of my eyes?

I know that when I was nineteen I was subversive, but when I met Maura I calmed down.

Even back then I wondered how a woman like her could be interested in someone like me. I also wondered why this woman had to be so complicated.

I don't always put a label on my love affairs, most of the time they mean nothing to me that that I get some relief.

Yeah, I know. I sound like someone who doesn't wanna commit myself, but that's wrong.

I wanna settle down sometime. I wanna get married and start a family, but not today and not tomorrow. But someday.

Obviously, I've been too absorbed in my thoughts for too long because Maura closes her eyes briefly, moistening her lips and blinking back her tears. „I have to work, Jane."

„Maura," I croak and grab her wrist when she's about to walk past me.

What am I supposed to say right now? I don't know what she really wants from me or what she wants to hear. That I have been in internal conflict for some weeks and that I can't think straight anymore?

That I always come to the conclusion that it was a mistake that we had sex because it jeopardizes our friendship?

That I don't regret the night though?

That a thousand questions are invading my mind?

I release her wrist and Maura smiles sadly and I furrow my brows.

Even when I was nineteen I didn't behave so stupid.

At that time, we both drew a clear line under our romance and continued living our lives.

Maybe I should do that again.

Draw a line and hope that Derek makes my best friend happy.

When she's happy then I'm happy too. I have to tell that myself again and again so I can believe it.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. That's not how I imagined the start of my workday.

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I retreat into a dark booth in the Dirty Robber. I don't wanna get drunk alone in my apartment but I'm also not in the mood to be questioned by my mother, the rookies, Korsak or Frankie.

I just wanna sit here, drink my stuff and watch people come and go.

Okay, yeah. I do realize that I sound like a creep who's watching people who turn out to be my next victims.

„You okay?"

I blink a few times and glance up at Nina, who's standing at my table with her own beer. „Mhmm," hum and the younger woman sits down opposite me. So much about being and drinking alone.

She eyes me closely. „You sure you okay?"

„Yes," I answer with a sigh and look at my beer bottle, furling my brows. „No."

„Wanna talk about it?"

„No, not really. It is a long and complicated story."

„A story about being in love with Maura," Maura asks me and my eyes snap up. I must have a funny expression because she starts laughing heartily. „I'm sorry. Was that supposed to be a secret?"

„I'm not ... I'm not ... I'm not -" I stammer and my shoulders slump when she raises her brows unconvinced. I make a face while rubbing my right eye. „It is really a complicated story, Nina." I pause and swallow hard. I kept this little secret for decades and now it's slowly eating me up.

I know that I can't tell my mother, not yet.

I also know that she'll be disappointed that Maura and I haven't told her that we know each other longer than we pretended. I also know that Ma will be beyond pissed once we tell her.

I lick my lips and study my bottle again. „Maura and I have known each other for a long time."

Nina is sitting there and waits, frowning when I say no more. „That's not a secret at all."

„No," I reply with a deep frown. „No, I mean ... we've known each other since we were nineteen."

This time I can see her surprise. „Oh, wow, I thought ... I thought you've met at work."

„Everyone thinks that," I sigh and sip my beer. „We ... um ... Maura and I ... Somehow we were together at that time."

„Somehow together?"

I lean back and wonder why I can't lay all the facts on the table. Why I'm hesitating. „We didn't put a label on what we had back then. It lasted only one summer. We were young, we had fun and then it was over when Maura moved to the West Coast to study medicine. We wrote letters for some time and called each other once in a week, but at some point, we lost sight of each other." I see Nina's puzzled face and narrow my eyes. „Yeah, back then, people still wrote and sent letters. We hadn't had emails and smartphones."

„I didn't know that you were born in the Stone Age," the younger woman replies cheekily and winces when I kick her shin.

I smile broadly when she laughs heartily again.

Nina takes a deep breath before getting serious again. „And nobody knows about it?"

„Besides you, Maura and I? No, no one else knows."

„And why are you hiding that you have a history?"

I open my mouth to answer the question but close it again.

Technically, that's a damn good question.

Practically, it's a question I find hard to answer.

When Maura and I met again after years, I argued that I didn't want friends, colleagues, and family to be biased against her. That she wouldn't be seen as the one who left me behind decades ago.

It wasn't like that, not at all. I wasn't the heartbroken teenager who mourned her ex, but my mother most likely would think that and punish Maura with contempt. That's not what I want for my best friend.

„Have you met my mother," I ask playfully to lighten the mood a little. I clear my throat when Nina glares at me. „I thought that I was protecting Maura."

Nina sips her beer and orders a new one. „So all this time, you've been lying to your family and friends in order to protect Maura? Or in order to protect yourself?"

I frown deeply and swallow hard. I've never thought about it that way. I admit it.

I always knew that Maura incapable of lying and yet we decided to keep our little secret for ourselves. Okay, I've decided to keep it a secret!

„Maybe," I admit and shrug. „I don't know."

Nina nods slowly and furls her brows. „And now because Maura's together with Derek old feeling are coming up?"

I laugh humorlessly and run my hand through my hair. „It's a little more complicated, Nina."

„Please don't tell me that Maura and you -"

„It's not like I forced Maura to do something she didn't wanna do two decades ago, and not these days," I growl and scowl at her.

I hate it when it sounds like I forced my best friend into something she didn't want to do.

After all, it was Maura who suddenly straddled my lap and almost ripped my clothes off.

The young woman shuts her eyes briefly and rubs her forehead. „Oh, boy." She glances at me again and takes a deep breath. „It's the reason why you've been in such a bad mood lately, isn't it?"

„It's one of many reasons," I answer and smile at the waitress when she brings me a new beer.

I lift the bottle to my lips and pause when I catch Nina's skeptical look. „Let's just say that it's the main reason."

Nina looks long at me and shakes her head. „You've put yourself in a ... You've put yourself in an awkward position, Jane."

I roll my eyes and down my beer to the half. „You don't say."


	4. Chapter 3

I am a little relieved since I at least told Nina about Maura and me, but the doesn't mean that my mood has improved.

On the contrary, I am even more discontented than before.

Why? Because Maura and I are now limiting ourselves strictly professional and hardly spend some time together after work. And because Maura started to invite Derek to Sunday family dinners.

Ma is enraptured by this dork and I wonder how long it will take before Ma's starting to plan his and Maura's wedding.

Yes, in many ways Maura's more the daughter my mother always wanted than I am.

Okay, I have to be fair, Derek's really a nice guy, and funny, and not of those weird geeks, Maura used to date.

Under other circumstances, I might like this guy. The emphasis is 'under other circumstances' and 'might'.

Under these circumstances, I put up a brave front and try to avoid eye contact with Maura while we both try to give a normal impression.

Apparently, we both got really good at this kind of hide and seek.

It seems as if Ma doesn't notice that the things aren't good right now.

Either she doesn't notice it or she ignores it skillfully.

Even when Maura and I try to avoid contact, they'll meet every now and then.

She indeed seems to be finally happy, but there is something else lying in her eyes. A kind of sadness.

And every time we look at each other she licks her lips like she is about to say something but then she swallows the words.

„Jane, what's going on," my mother whispers.

I blink several times and find myself standing in the kitchen.

„You're working too hard."

„Yeah, yeah, yeah," I laugh because I think she's thinking that I rack my brain about a case and flinch when she hits me with a tea towel. „I love you too." I make a face when she's giving me a smooch on my cheek.

My heart drops when Maura turns her head to us and glances at me with a broad smile.

„Sonya keeps asking me about you," Ma suddenly states and seems to expect me to put her in her place for the thousandth times.

Sonya Matthews is my favorite waitress in the Dirty Robber who actually is very attractive and a redhead, and actually not my type of woman.

I don't mind that right now, though. And tonight that my mother once again butt into my love life. Somehow I need this kind of distraction. „Really?"

„Yes, she keeps asking me for your number."

„Then give it to her."

Ma almost drops surprised a plate to the floor and asks in a high-pitched voice, „Are you sure?"

Frankie, Korsak, Nina and Maura glance surprised at us.

I take Maura's face in before I swallow hard and nod. „Yeah." I already know that I'll rue this decision in some weeks and that I need a new pub right after I dumped Sonya, but I don't think about that right now. „I should get going. I have to get up early tomorrow."

Ma nods vehemently and I can see her excitement in her eyes. „Okay, honey. Drive safely."

„Always," I reply before I bid my goodbye to the others and gather my belongings, leaving Maura's house.

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I sit in the passenger's seat of the unmarked car and frown deeply. „So you're adopted?"

Knox blinks a few times and nods slowly. „Yep."

I turn my head a little and furrow my brows. „Have you ever wondered who your birth parents are?"

Yeah, I know, I really should mind my own business because some people just can't stand this kind of curiosity.

The young woman takes a deep breath and shrugs. „Not really. I'm sure they had a good reason to give me away."

„Haven't you ever been curious about who they are or why they gave you away?"

She raises her brows and glances at me for a second. „Of course I wanted to know who they are or why they decided to put me out for adoption. I always wondered if they and I have some things in common if I look alike one of them and what they do for a living. But I also have to say that I grew up in a loving family before my sister had died. My parents always made me feel like I am their child."

„I see," I mumble and look out of my window.

„Are you feeling like you're adopted," she asks me and grins broadly.

„Some times I really wish that I'd be adopted," I answer and smirk. „That would explain so many things." I roll my eyes. „I hope you don't mind me asking those questions. I just want to get to know you a little better."

„It's alright," Knox replies with a smile and focuses back on the street. „You're from Boston?"

„Yes, born and raised. I'm an original Bostonian."

„Did you ever feel the need to get out of the town?"

I furl my brows and look seriously at her. „It's not like I've never taken a vacation somewhere else before."

She chuckles and takes a deep breath. „No, I mean like living somewhere else."

I hold my breath and wiggle my brows. „I thought about it many times, especially when I was younger and put my family in danger because of my work. In those times I was considering to leave Boston for their good." It's true, I really considered leaving Boston so my family would be safe and sound, especially after the incident with Hoyt.

„It surely isn't a decision that you make easily when your girlfriend is the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts," Knox suddenly states and furrows her brows.

„My ... my -" I stutter and make big eyes. „Maura ... Dr. Isles isn't my girlfriend. We're friends, that's all."

Knox' mouth snaps shut and she frowns before saying, „Oh ... um ... I assumed you are ... Because you are very close. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make assumptions."

„Relay," I chuckle and shrug. „You're not the first one who thinks that Dr. Isles and I are a couple." I grin broadly when the young woman relaxes again. „She and I have been through a lot in all those years."

„Best friends, huh?"

„Yes," I agree in a hushed voice and look out of the window again. „something like that."

I don't mind sharing a little about my person, but I'm still not willed to share my life story with my protege. „How fast can you run?"

Knox furls her brows and turns slowly her head to me. „Why?"

I lick my lips and smirk. „Because the Johnson family are runners."

She makes a face and then frowns. „I thought we just wanted to have a chat with Joel about the Marx case."

I shrug and chuckle. „Doesn't matter, we're still the police. If we wanna question them we have to arrest them. As soon as Johnson's see the police, they run. It's their nature."

„Great, groans the young woman and scoffs.

Jeffrey Mary, Joel Johnson's best friend was found with two bullets in his head near the Mystic River.

Yesterday we figured out that it must have been a drug deal that went bad.

I am more than sure that Joel can give us a very good insight.

The only problem is that he and his family always running when they see law enforcement near their house.

„Couldn't you give me a heads-up before," she whines, glaring at me.

I scoff and shake my head. „Nope."

„Thanks."

„You're welcome," I reply and the younger woman rolls her eyes.

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Knox is sitting in her chair and inspects the hole in her pants with a pout.

Frankie looks questioningly at her while I'm rocking my chair.

I roll my eyes when he drags his eyes to me. „We had a chat with Joel Johnson."

Korsak grunts and squints over the edge of his reading glasses.

Frankie's shoulders are shaking while he suppresses a laugh.

Yeah, each of us had to deal at least once with the Johnson family, and each time we had to chase the members.

„You talked to Joel right after I chased that asshole through half the neighborhood and jumped over fences," Knox wails grimly.

„You exaggerate," I chuckle. „But you seriously deserve a beer at the end of the shift."

„This trouser was new."

„Two beers."

„I don't want a fucking beer, Jane."

Korsak and my brother start to laugh loud and I raise my brows.

„I mean ... I mean," stammers the young officer. „Sir ... Ma'am ... Detective ...Your Majesty."

I smirk broadly as I get up and went to my brother's desk, extending my hand. „Time to pay up, Frankie."

Frankie groans and hands me ten bucks.

Knox blinks confused before she glances at each of us. „You've placed a bet on whether I call you Your Majesty or not?"

I wiggle my brows. „Everyone calls me Your Majesty at some point."

„I'm in a kindergarten," the young woman states and throws her hands up. „But I won't miss any of this."

I place my hand over my heart and feign sentimentality. „Aw, now it gets cheesy."

„Now we know that Knox can't live without us anymore," my little brother says and I chuckle when she rolls her eyes.

„We are a bunch of cute kids," my former partner says and I nod approvingly.

„I'm starting to throw up any second," Knox growls with a smirk.

I start to like the girl more and more. Somehow she's different from the other officers I've been working with.

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I sit at a table in the Dirty Robber and run my hand through my hair. „I've talked to Rowe and told him and your superiors that I can't teach you much more in the next few weeks."

Knox sits next to me and her face falls. „So I'll be on patrol again tomorrow?"

I furrow my brows and look at Korsak.

„Yes and no," he answers the question. „You're going to wear your uniform again and not those fancy pantsuits, but you'll work closely with Frankie and Jane until you pass your detective's exam.

„Don't try to bargain about that," my brother states and the young woman furrows her brows. „It's gonna be great, believe me."

„Okay," Knox says with a nod and a wryly smile, but then she turns serious again. „What about Herrera, McCarthy, and McFarland?"

I sip my beer and lean back in my chair. „We all agreed that it'd be better for them if they spend another year or two in patrol service."

Korsak nods approvingly and Frankie presses his lips together.

„I can't tell them that," the young woman argues with a deep frown.

I shift a little in my seat. „You don't have to tell them anything. Leave that to us."

Knox takes a deep breath and nods. „Roger that."

Frankie scoffs and Korsak chuckles.

I grunt amused and announce with a smile. „Tonight, drinks are on me."

„Yay," Frankie squeals mockingly and Nina giggles while I scowl at him.

Later, my little brother gets us the next round of beer and I eye the pissed group of Herrera, McFarland, and McCarthy at the other end of the Dirty Robber.

Somehow I can understand them. You work your ass off for weeks only to get told that you haven't been selected for the upscale police service.

I already know that Blondie's uncle the major will be anything but pleased with this decision.

I still don't give a fuck about that.

Maura joins us and I run a hand over my forehead even though Derek is nowhere to be seen. „Congratulations, Officer Knox."

I lift my beer to my lips. „Charlie," I mumble.

Knox looks surprised at me when I say for the first time her first name.

Maura smiles tightly. „Excuse me?"

I point at Korsak. „Korsak."

Korsak raises his hand to confirm his presence.

I point at my brother. „Frankie."

Frankie is about to raise his hand but stops midway. „Frank."

I ignore his objection and point at him once more. „Frankie."

He rolls his eyes and Korsak chuckles.

I smirk and point at Nina and she raises her hand, too. „Nina."

Maura closes briefly her eyes and shakes her head with a smile.

I raise my own hand and furrow my brows. „Jane. Here."

Maura chuckles and licks her lips.

I hesitate for a moment and place my hand on Maura's arm. „Maura." I take a deep breath and finally point at Knox. „And Charlie. She's one of us know."

Knox ... No, sorry ... Charlie is still a little restrained but smiles.

„Now Charlie is our new slave which means that I don't have to dive into dumpsters anymore," my brother cheers happily.

I turn to him and raise my brows. „You wish."

Frankie opens his mouth and closes it immediately without saying a word.

Nina chuckles and caresses his cheek.

Maura smiles broadly and glances at Knox ... Charlie almost proudly. „Congratulations, Charlie."

The young woman smiles back at her. „Thank you, Dr. ... Thank you, Maura."

I take a look around and furrow my brows because I can't see Derek. „Where's your boyfriend?"

My brother groans and winces before glaring at Nina.

Maura lifts her brows and takes a deep breath. „No, Derek flew to New York this morning, so, unfortunately, he can't be here with us."

Yes, this is very sad.

My friend sits down on the empty chair next to me and asks, „Do you mind if I join you?"

Korsak shakes his vigorously, pursing his lips.

„Of course not," Nina answers without hesitation and my brother shrugs.

Charlie stays silent while she's watching us.

I feel all eyes on me while I'm sipping my beer. I lower the bottle slowly and turn my head to Maura. „Why should I mind if you join us, Maura?"

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After two hours, I'm standing at the counter and wait for the next round of beer when a familiar scent hits my nostrils.

I turn my head and glance into cloudy hazel eyes. I take a deep breath and smile a little. „Hey."

Maura smiles back at me and my heart stops for a fraction of a second. „Hi."

I can see that something's wrong and that she actually doesn't want to talk about it, but that doesn't keep me from asking, „What's happened?"

Maura purses her lips and orders another glass of red wine. „Derek is gone to New York."

Okay, now I start to worry. If Dr. Maura Isles is drinking more than three glasses of wine, she is heavy-hearted. „He'll be back soon, right?"

She inhales deeply and sips her wine with a shake of her head. „No, he won't come back," she whispers and I don't miss the pain in her voice. „He got a lucrative job offer he couldn't refuse and made me choose: him or the BPD."

I slowly close my eyes and exhale slowly so I won't lose it. „What an idiot," I breathe, pinching the bridge of my nose.

If I learned one thing about Dr. Maura Isles in the last couple of years then than it's a really bad idea to make her choose her work or her lover.

„I told him right from the start that I won't end my life in Boston because of him."

„Derek made you happy, didn't he?"

I take Maura's silence as a yes but at the same time, I see something in her eyes that tells me that wasn't as happy with this guy as she pretended to be.

I press my lips together and wiggle briefly my brows. „New York isn't on the other side of the world, Maura."

Gee, why would I even say that?

I decide that it would be better to keep my mouth shut before I start encouraging my best friend to move to New York, too.

I take a deep breath before I run my hand through my hair, looking closely at my dear friend and smiling faintly.

I open my mouth to tell her that time will heal.

„Hey, Maura," I hear a familiar voice and close slowly my eyes for a second.

Maura smiles politely when Sonya places the ordered beers on the counter. „Hello."

The redhead realizes that her timing is anything but good and turns to me. „I'm off in an hour and a half, Jane."

I force a tight smile when I see Maura's questioningly look. „You know normally ... but today ... today I would like to celebrate with my friends."

Sonya smiles understandingly and follows my eyes to the table where the others are sitting. „Another time."

I swallow hard when I see Maura raising her brows at me and nod. „Yeah, another time."

„Great," Sonya replies happily before getting back to work.

„Yeah, great," I groan and lick my lips.

„So, you and Sonya," my best friend point out the obvious.

„Maura -" I start but tug my chin in when she shakes her head with a smile.

„We're close to dying of thirst," Nina calls out before joining us and grabbing three bottles. She beams broadly at Maura. „You have to stay for a little while."

Maura swallows hard and glances at her watch. „Maybe next time. I really had a long day."

„I'll give you a lift," I offer and Nina pouts.

Maura places her hand on mine and runs her thumb over my knuckles. „I'll be okay. Enjoy the evening with the others. I'll see you tomorrow."

I set my jaw while she gathers her belongings and watches her hurrying out of the pub.

I turn my head to Nina and growl when I see her skeptical look, „Don't"

„Okay," the younger woman whispers emphatically with big eyes and heed the advice.

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My heart nearly jumps out my chest and my mouth is as dry as a bone.

That's not how I imagined my afternoon at all.

Actually, I was hoping that I could call it a day early and go visit a friend in Philadelphia over the weekend. A change of environment would certainly do me good, perhaps even help me to sort some things out.

You know, getting a new point of view on those things that are currently going on. To understand what's going on and to get a little distance from Maura and my mother.

„Come on, buddy," tears me a gentle voice out of my train of thought and I start blinking again. „We can talk about this. You just need to lower your gun."

I set my jaw and glance at Charlie from the corner of my eye. As I already mentioned, I imagined my afternoon differently.

Charlie and I had lunch together and had been on our way back to the BPD when we caught a radio message.

Apparently, a male teenager had a bad fight with his stepmother and barricaded himself and his mom in the house, threatening her with a gun.

Yeah, I know, I'm a Homicide detective but I will never stand back if I hear something like that.

„Get out," barks the boy while he holds his gun to the head of the frightened woman names Caroline Morrow.

I lick my lips and shake my head no. „We can't do that, Tim. Not as long as your holding a gun to your mother's head."

„Stepmother," spits the teen and I have to tell myself not to pull the trigger of my gun. „This bitch convinced my father that it would for all of us be better I'd go to a fucking boarding school. But all she wanted was to get rid of me!"

„That's not true," Caroline whimpers and I glance at her so she understands to keep her mouth shut.

„Don't lie," Tim yells pushes the muzzle into her temple.

I set my jaw and lift my gun a little more. I sure can think of something else than aiming my gun at a teenager. I really don't wanna shoot that kid.

„Your father is standing in front of your house and is waiting for you, Tim," Charlie says soothingly while she keeps aiming at the kid, too.

I want to frown deeply but I keep a straight face. She doesn't know, she can't know.

We're in here for almost an hour and I'm surprised that RRT isn't bursting this house already. I'm sure that's Korsak's merit.

„My dad was my best friend before this bitch came into our lives and made him think that I am the black sheep of the family," Tim spits again and his facial muscles twitch. „Her frigging sons are perfect even though they are drinking and taking drugs! I am the good son and my dad knows it!"

I glance at Charlie from the corner of my eye and press my lips together.

I don't like at all what Charlie's doing right now even though I wouldn't do it another way.

I think that she and I are the reason why Tim didn't shoot his stepmother already, but to be honest, I can't even recall how we got into this situation, and in this house. It's all blurry.

„I just want my father back," the boy whim and Caroline flinches when he presses the muzzle into her temple. „I've already lost my mom, I don't wanna lose him, too."

„Yes," the young woman says all of a sudden and lowers her gun. „I know. I know how you're feeling."

„No, you don't," be boy yells and points his gun at my partner.

„Oh, but I do," replies Charlie while raising her hands and furrowing her brows.

„Charlie," I say warningly and swallow hard. I am not eager to shoot a teenage boy, but I won't hesitate if I think that this is going too far.

„I know exactly how you're feeling. You think that you are lost and alone, that you're drowning, but that's not true. You are not alone, you have your dad and Caroline. We don't want that either you nor Caroline get hurt."

„Dad and Caroline," the boy laughs bitterly and glances at me. „Is that why this chick's aiming her gun at me? Because Caroline shouldn't get hurt?"

„No," the officer replies and approaches Tim without making a hasty movement. „No, Detective Rizzoli's only making sure that nothing's happening to either of us."

„That nothing's gonna happen to you," the teen barks and sets his jaw, and Charlie's freezing.

„Don't do anything stupid," I growl and I blink a couple of times.

Once again, I'm not eager to shoot a kid, but I will if I have no other choice.

„You don't want this," Charlie says as if she's talking to Tim and me at the same time, as if she just read my mind. „You don't want any of this."

„You don't know what I want!"

She looks at me and I set my jaw again. „Then tell me what you want, buddy."

„I want to see my father," Tim demands with a slight frown. „I want him to be in here. NOW!"

I open my mouth to tell the boy that this is a demand that can't be consent.

„Okay," Charlie beats me and I raises her brows when she carefully shoves her hand into the pocket of her pants. „Okay, I'm gonna get my phone out and tell my supervisor that you wanna talk to your dad."

His facial muscles twitch and aims straight at her head. „I swear to God, if you do a number on me I'll put a bullet in your fucking head."

I hold my breath and tell myself not to pull the trigger right now.

Charlie gets her phone with furrowed brows out and dials a number under while I watch the kid.

I have no idea who the woman actually is calling.

She nods and licks her lips. „Your father wants to talk to you, Tim."

I am indeed surprised and blink a few times, wondering if this isn't a distraction so we can blindside Tim.

He takes her phone and holds it to his ear. „Dad?"

While the boy is focused on the talk, Charlie's approaching him and my hair stand on end and being worried about what she's about to do.

I clench my jaw and Tim turns a little away while he talks to his father.

Yes, the plan sounds good. Perhaps daddy is able to talk his son down and make him surrender, but it's also possible that he's under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or both, which would make him unpredictable.

I doubt that Charlie stands no chance when it comes to a one-on-one.

I have to mention that I have no desire to explain to our supervisors and colleagues to explain why I didn't react while an officer fight for her life.

So if I have no other choice I'll take the life of the kid before he takes the life of my partner.

Charlie licks her lips and disarms carefully Tim, pulling him into her arms while I put my gun back into its holster.

The boy is clutching to her and cries bitterly. „It's okay," she says soothingly and rubs his back. „It's gonna be okay."

I start to breathe again and close my eyes for a fraction of a second.

Before Charlie and I know what's happening, Caroline suddenly starts to attack the teenager and insults him the bad way.

I grab her at the waist and pull her away from the boy. „Have you lost your mind," I bark when she tries to wiggle out of my grip.

„That weirdo tried to kill me," Caroline barks back.

„That doesn't give you the right to beat him black and blue!"

„He deserves so much more!"

Okay, somehow I get why Tim freaked out. Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna say that it was right what he did, but ...

Charlie frowns deeply after I hand Caroline over to two paramedics. She's pressing her lips together while cuffing Tim.

„Please don't," he whimpers and his chin falls to his chest.

The young officer furrows her brows and inhales deeply. „We have to do this, Tim. To make sure that you and everyone else is safe."

He nods and keeps his head down while we take him away.

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„Have you both lost your mind," a well-known voice asks.

I lower my coffee mug and turn slowly in my chair when Charlie looks up from her laptop, blinking confusedly.

„Excuse me," asks the young woman politely back when Maura enters the bullpen.

Maura stops at my desk and scowls at me. „Are you aware of would could have happened in that house in which you rushed without backup?"

Charlie straightens up in her seat and frowns deeply.

This time it is me who's frowning deeply. „Charlie was with me."

The doctor rolls her eyes and scoffs.

„We responded to a distress call, Maura, that's our job. And sometimes we have no time to wait for backup."

Maura crosses her arms over her chest and scoffs once again.

God, what's the matter with this woman? Normally she wouldn't react like that because she knows that include some kind of dangerous situations and that cops risk their lives without batting an eye to keep innocent people safe. That's our frigging job!

„Look, no one got hurt or killed. Everything's fine. Do you see a scratch or bruise on Charlie or me?"

„It could have turned out differently."

„But it didn't," Charlie suddenly replies and my friend's glaring at her.

My best friend suddenly turns on her heels and says loudly, „It's hopeless. You two are as stubborn as a mule. You two complement each other perfectly."

The young officer furrows her brows and laughs briefly with a shake of her head.

I close my eyes briefly and run my fingers over my left brow. „Just give her ... some time to cool off."

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After my shift, I enter Maura's house and pause for a moment when I see my mother sitting at the kitchen counter while she's listening eagerly to what Maura has to say. „Hey, Ma."

Ma's keeping a straight face. „Hello, Jane."

Her voice, on the other hand, is cold and I cringe inwardly. I'm pretty sure Maura told her about today's incident and everything else.

Great, now I have to deal with two women who are behind pissed.

Yeah, I am very aware of the fact that Ma has never been very enthusiastic about my work and that I put my life in danger on daily basis.

I'll deal with my mom later. I don't have the energy for both of them tonight. For two women who fraternized in my absence.

I shift my weight from one foot to the other and frown deeply. „Would you mind giving us a moment, Ma?"

My mother glances at Maura for a second before getting up hesitantly.

„Thanks, Ma," I say when she approaches the backdoor agonizing slow.

Maura gets up from her high stool, walks to the fridge and gets me a beer.

My shoulders slump and I go the counter. „What was it about in the bullpen, Maura?"

She places the bottle in front of me and takes a deep breath. „You and Charlie could get hurt, or worse."

„Yeah, but nothing happened, no one got hurt. Neither Charlie nor I nor the captor. We did good today, Maura."

„Today," she shoots back and I clench my teeth. „We both know very well how it normally turns out when you're in the middle of a hostage."

The same old song again.

Yeah, I shot myself to keep her and my injured brother safe and sound. Yeah, I nearly died. And yeah, I recovered

I shake my head and press my lips together. „That was different, Maura."

„No," she barks and my eyes snap up. „No, it was not, Jane. It was exactly the same situation."

„No, it wasn't. Charlie wasn't shot and was about to die and you weren't there either. We saved a woman and a teenage boy without gun violence. You should be happy, and you should be proud, and thankful that you didn't have to cut a sixteen-year-old boy open! This is what we get paid for, Maura. To protect the city and its people! And yes, sometimes it gets risky. Charlie and I know what we're doing, Maura! And you should know that I'm got at what I'm doing!"

„That's not the point," she yells all of a sudden.

„Then what's your fucking point," I yell back with big eyes.

„The point is that Charlie's your ... responsibility!"

I lower my brows and stay silent for a couple of seconds before a burst of laughter erupts from my chest. „She's a grown woman. I think she can take pretty good care of herself."

Maura closes her eyes and shakes her head as if trying to sort her thoughts. „And what about me, Jane?"

„What about you?"

She hesitates and licks her lips. „I can't lose you. Not again. I -"

I frown deeply and approach my best friend. I place my hands on her arms and shake my head as well. „What makes you think you'll lose me, Maura?"

She avoids my eyes while she keeps shaking her head.

„Hey, look at me. Please." My heart breaks when I see the pain in her eyes and swallow hard. „You won't lose me. Never!"

„You can't promise that."

She's right, I can't promise that. But I also can get hit by a car or a bus tomorrow while getting my morning coffee on my way to work. „You're right," I say softly and furrow my brows. „I can't, but I can try. And I can promise you that you won't get so easily rid of me." I fall silent and frown. I want to tell Maura how I feel about her. That I fell for her twenty years ago, but when I open my mouth not a single word comes out of it.

Yeah, that's how you confess your love. Telepathically.

My brows shoot up when I suddenly feel Maura's lips on mine and I immediately place my hands on her hips, pulling her closer against me.

This kiss is different from the other.

It is slow and sweet, and I think she's trying to tell me so many things without using words. It's promising.

I pull back and study her eyes to understand what she's trying to say. If she feels the same way as I do or if she just wants to seduce me once again.

Maura closes her eyes and when she leans her forehead against mine and starts to shake her head again, and my heart drops.

The little nagging voice in my head is telling me that she changed her mind once again and that I should run.

„I love you, Jane," she whispers before taking her space and wrapping her arms around herself. „I've always loved you."

I swallow hard and nod slowly. I didn't know for how long I wanted to hear those words coming over Maura's lips. Until now.

Instead of saying those words back I instead ask, „Why did you always go on a date with those weird guys?"

Pretty smart, right?

I mean, yes, I love her. I love her more than my own life. I love her more than anything. Jesus, admitting that to myself is a relief.

I am in love with Maura Isles!

She takes a deep breath, licking her lips and lifting her shoulders before she avoids my eyes once again.

I sigh and caress her cheek with my thumb so she's looking at me again. „I'm sorry, Maura. I shouldn't have asked that."

„You're right," she replies sheepishly, pressing her lips together. „I think I've tried to find a replacement for you."

„And why did you push me away all the time," I ask and my pain is evident in my voice.

Maura sucks in her bottom lip and shakes her head again. „I don't know. Perhaps to protect me."

I blink a few times and frown because I'm not sure if she's asking me or giving me an answer. „I ... um ... I should go and get some things straight," I say and Maura nods before closing her eyes. I step back and furrow my brows. „We ... I see you on Monday." I run my hands down her arms before I turn on my heels and approach slowly the front door.

I leave her house and stop on the porch, closing my eyes before I head to my car.

For some reason I've been hoping that the front door would fly open and that she'd ask me to stay, not to leave her.

I clench my jaw and unlock my car when that doesn't happen.


	5. Chapter 4

I sit at my desk and prop my chin up in my head while my eyes are closed.

My brows shoot up as soon as I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder and turn slowly in my chair, assuming that Charlie's trying to get my attention.

I slowly open my tired eyes and frown surprised when I glance into soft hazel eyes. „Hey," I husk and clear my voice.

„You look tired," Maura states while handing me a mug of coffee.

„Thank you," I reply with a smirk and she grins broadly because it's obvious that I didn't thank her for the coffee. „Didn't get much sleep since -" She tilts her head when I trail off and I make sure that she's the only one who hears my next words. „I had a lot to think about since the last time I was at your place."

„Oh," she breathes with a nod.

I take a deep breath and run my fingertips over the back of her hand. „We have a lot to talk about, Maura."

„Indeed, she agrees without looking at me.

I follow her line of sight and furl my brows when I watch Charlie talking vivaciously with Frankie in BRIC.

Okay, slowly but surely I really get a bad feeling.

I don't know why the woman who just confessed her love to me is staring at the young woman as if Charlie's coming from another planet.

I'm making a wild guess now, claiming that Maura met at one of her many conferences, that they had a little too much at the end of the day and that they ended up in one of their rooms.

I also claim that they made an agreement after that night: We will just pretend that this night never happened!

Why I get this feeling?

Because I know that Maura's fucking good when it comes to seducing someone and because I know that she never cared about the age difference.

I open my mouth to ask what the hell happened between Maura and Charlie when my phone starts buzzing.

I snap the device from its holder and glare at it with a growl.

Frankie opens the door that leads to the bullpen and glances at me with a deep frown. „Jane?"

„Yep," I say while I get up from my chair and grab my jacket from the back of my chair. „Come on, Dr. Isles, we got to work."

„I'll be there in five minutes," Maura says and turns on her heels and my shoulders slump because I know that we'll have to wait ten minutes instead of the promised five.

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I stand in the autopsy room with my arms crossed over my chest while I take in the sight of our newest victim.

„Is there a point when you get used to this," Charlie suddenly asks without looking up from the body of the woman, who isn't much older than herself.

I take a deep breath and raise briefly my brows. „Once you've reached this point of getting used to such a sigh, you'd better quit."

She looks up and presses her lips together.

I don't lie. I've been a cope for almost two decades and haven't gotten used such a sight of a young woman.

And I'm serious, if you've gotten used to such a sight when you're emotionally numb, then you really should stop doing this job.

I lick my lips and make sure that Maura's still in her office before I ask, „What happened between you and Maura?"

Charlie glances confused at me and blinks several times. „Um, I didn't know that you'd mind that I'd have a coffee with her."

This time it's me who has a puzzled expression and I frown deeply.

That's why Maura brought me the swill we call coffee since my mother left the Cafe.

„That ... er ... that doesn't really bother me. I meant ... I meant ... in the past."

The young woman narrows her eyes. „Excuse me?"

I lick my lips and clench my jaw briefly.

Yes, I know. This is neither the best time nor the place to approach the question, but it's bugging me for quite a time. „You two seem pretty close."

„I don't think that I get what you're hinting," the young woman laughs, almost bashfully.

I clear my throat and glance briefly in the direction of Maura's office to make sure that she still is in there. „Have you ... have you ... Have you and -" Jesus I don't know why I can't say the damn sentence out loud. It is a very simple question that can be easily answered by the girl so I can get my peace of mind again.

Charlie's eyebrows shoot up when she understands and she makes big eyes. „Are you asking me if Maura and I had had sex in the past?"

I swallow hard and nod briefly. „Yes."

„That's ridiculous."

Okay, I don't know if I should be pissed or insulted right now. „Why?"

Charlie licks her lips and frowns deeply. „Because I haven't met her until a few months ago, and because she's a woman. And even if I'd like women, I would never hook up with my boss's girlfriend."

„Girlfriend," I croak and frown as well. „Maura is not ... She's not my girlfriend."

„You sure," she asks and I nod.

I want to answer the question but close my mouth again when Maura joins us with a big smile.

It drops instantly when she sees our faces. „What happened?"

I blink a few times and lick my lips. „Um, we were just philosophizing about people who kill other people remorselessly."

„Yes," agrees Charlie and forces herself to smile. „Yes, we philosophized about it."

I clear my throat and thrust my chin at the file in Maura's hand. „Is that the autopsy report we were waiting for?"

Maura hesitates before she hands me the report. „It is."

„Thanks, Maura," I say and leave without waiting for an answer, or Charlie.

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I drop with a heavy sigh on my couch and close my eyes with a shake of the head. It was a long day and I made a fool of myself by asking Charlie if she'd hooked up with Maura.

„Jane, are you okay?"

I open my eyes again and frown. „No, I hate cases like Lisa Parker's."

Lisa Parker, during the day a damn good insurance clerk, and at night a woman who drank too much and took many strangers home, having several affairs at the same time.

Not literally but she had three relationships with three different men.

That is a really good motive in my eyes.

There is nothing worse than a man whose pride is hurt.

All clues have led us into dead ends throughout the day, which personally is frustrating me because I know that the first forty-eight hours are crucial in an investigation.

„I've asked Charlie today if she'd slept with you in the past," I blur out and my best friend chokes on her white wine. I raise surprised my brows but can't help a faint smile. „Are you okay?"

Maura doesn't look at me while running her thumb over her bottom lip. „Why would you think that? That I had an affair with the girl."

I turn the corners of my mouth down and shrug. „You two made the impression of being pretty close and besides, she's an attractive young woman."

„She's how old? Twenty-three?"

„So?"

„Jane, she's still a child!"

„So?"

Maura licks her lips and is silent.

I can see that she's holding something back and I turn to her in my seat so I can look at her directly. „Maura, look, I don't care if you and the girl had an affair during one of your conferences. I mean, it's not like we're a couple anymore. I don't have a say in what you do ... or with whom you do it."

I suppress the urge to roll my eyes. That is pretty much the same thing I told her twenty years ago.

Maura closes her eyes and exhales slowly through her mouth as if she's trying to calm her nerves. „No," she whispers with closed eyes. „No, it's not what you think, Jane. Charlie and I ... We didn't have ... It's hard to explain, Jane."

„Okay," I say calmly but freak out on the inside. Now I have a really, REALLY bad feeling.

I've already experienced my best friend in all kind of stages of life, but I've seldom experienced her beating about the bush. „Whatever it is, I'm here for you, Maura."

She still keeps her eyes closed, scoffing and shaking her head.

„Hey," I say and take her hand in mine. „look at me." I wait until she finally looks at me and my heart drops when I see the pain in them. „I'm here for you."

Maura takes a deep breath and licks her lips. „She's my daughter."

I don't flinch nor say anything when I understand what she's said. I repeat the sentence in my head over and over again, not being sure if I'm still breathing. The only thing I'm aware of is that I'm blinking at Maura like crazy.

I think that I'm actually paralyzed from shock.

I expected a lot. Things like: Yes, we had had sex. Yes, I had an affair with her father, uncle, brother, grandfather. The whole male family members.

That, I did not expect!

„Okay," I say, surprised that my voice is still even but an octave lower. „Do I know her ... father?"

Maura closes her eyes again. „Jane, please don't do this."

I drop her hand and get up. What am I supposed to do? I didn't even start yet. „Neither Frankie nor Tommy can be Knox's father, they were still kids twenty-three years ago and you didn't meet them in real life, neither did you meet my father. But I have cousins you could have met before you left for -"

„She's yours," my best friend cuts me off.

I furrow my brows and glance confused at her. „Who's mine," I ask and I wanna slap myself immediately. Sometimes I am slow off the mark, but I am anything but stupid.

„Charlie," Maura answers and a tear runs down her cheek. „She's yours."

I furl my brows because my brain refuses to catch up. „Maura, I really like Charlie, but that doesn't mean that I am interested -"

„She's your daughter too," she cuts me off again.

My whole fucking world is crashing down at this moment. „What," I whisper harshly.

Yeah, I know what Maura's trying to tell me and I think I already mentioned that I'm different from other people and that Maura knows my biggest secrets. Things that no one but my family and closest friends knows about me.

Not only emotionally different but also physically.

Yeah, I am different in every way. I think I don't have to explain this any further.

I think back twenty-three years and swallow hard.

Shortly before Maura and I lost sight of each other, I made a trip to California and had a kind of farewell fuck.

I didn't rack my brain after it, I drew a line under it. But now I start to understand why Maura didn't try to get in touch with me after that. „What," I snarl and get up from the couch. „Why didn't you tell me?"

Maura folds her hands in her lap and shakes her head. „Because we were young, Jane. We didn't know what we were doing and weren't aware of the consequences."

„Nonsense," I bark and she closes her eyes. „That's a bunch of bullshit, Maura, and you know it. And you also know what family means to me."

„Yes," she replies sharply with tears in her eyes. „Yes, I know exactly what family means to you. It would have meant that you left your family and your life in Boston."

„Even twenty years ago there were ways to be there for your kid. Damn it, in California, are more than enough police academies. I could have found a job there to be there for you and our child, Maura," I suddenly yell and clench my eyes shut to suppress my boiling anger. „Frankie, Ma, and Tommy would... They'd have supported us in any way possible. And you know that I wanted to have a family someday!"

„At this time it wasn't about you, Jane," she suddenly yells back. „Yes, your family would have supported you, but my family wasn't there. I was on my own!"

„I was still there. I would have been there for you all the time! The moment you found out about the pregnancy it was only about you either! It was about us! About you, me and the baby that was growing inside you. And you decided on your own what would be best for Charlie and for me. You decided to leave me in the dark and to give away our child! You should've known best how the girl would feel if she'd old enough and find out that she was adopted!"

I want to wrap my arms around Maura when a whimper escapes from her throat, but my anger still has the upper hand. „I was supposed to have a say in this decision but you refused it because you were selfish."

„Jane -" she croaks and bits her bottom lip.

„What if she gets to know," I growl and clench my jaw. „Does she know about it?"

Maura holds my gaze and silently shakes her head.

I go to my fridge and hesitate before I lean my head against the cool metal of the door.

I heard hundreds of times from parents who have lost their child and asked if I have kids on my own, and every time I answered no without knowing that there is a kid out there who has my DNA, who would have needed me and I wasn't there, I couldn't be there.

Now I know what such a loss means. My child isn't gone but the time with it was taken from me.

Yes, I know that this is a bad equation but I can't come up with another one.

I slam my left fist into the door and cringe when the pain shoots through my arm. „Fuck," I growl and shake said hand. I notice the dent in the metal and shake my aching hand. „Fuck!"

The physical pain doesn't bother me, it's the pain I feel in my heart. That's what makes me curse.

„Jane," Maura says softly and I hear her approaching me.

„Don't I growl dangerously low. „Don't you dare touching me!"

I turn my head and see her stop dead.

I open the fridge and get a beer out of it, downing it to the half.

Hey, don't judge me! How'd you feel if you become a parent after twenty-three years without knowing it?

„Jane let me take a look at your hand," I hear Maura insist and I glare at her. „Please."

I sit down on a high chair and grumble, „Fine."

I get lost in my thoughts while she's examining my hand. I have no clue what kind of ... mother I'd have been if I would have known about Charlie twenty-three years ago. But I can tell that I'd have done for the baby everything I could and that my Ma would have been beyond delighted about her very first grandchild.

Shit, Ma!

How many times did she tell me that it'd be about me now to give her grandkids? Way too many times!

She'll be thrilled to learn that she has a granddaughter neither she nor I knew about.

How am I supposed to tell her that I know Maura much longer than we pretended? That we were more than friends in the past.

I close my eyes and release a sigh when familiar fingers run through my hair.

„I'm so sorry, Jane," Maura whispers when I lean into her touch. „I was young, stupid and selfish. And I thought that I would make the right decision for both of us."

These words don't lessen the pain I feel right now. Not the physical one but the emotional. „You should have talked to me. We would have found a way."

„I know."

„I'd have married without a second thought."

She gasps and I open my eyes only to see her crying. „I know," she whispers once again. „And that I couldn't do to you."

I breathe heavily and am on the brink of tears, that's why I don't look at her. „You should go."

„Jane," Maura whispers.

I bury my face in my hands and shake my head. „Please, just leave."

Maura says nothing and starts gathering her belongings.

I listen to her movements carefully and hold my breath until I hear my front door open and close.

„God," I breathe and can't help the heavy sob that escapes from my throat.

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I run as if my life depends on it. The muscles in my thighs and my lungs are burning but I welcome the pain.

For more than a week I haven't been working nor talking to Maura and also avoided my family because I know they would figure out that something's beyond in an instant.

After Maura dropped the bombshell, I called Rowe and told him that I'd need a leave because of some personal issues.

It is not quite a lie.

There is an issue and it is personal.

I slow my steps when I arrive at the Public Garden I inhale deeply the fresh air while I try to soothe my racing heart.

My thoughts are still racing, it hasn't stopped since Maura told me that I'd have a twenty-three-year-old daughter of whom she hadn't told me all those years.

Twenty-three years ago, I would've most likely completely freaked out and wouldn't have gotten in touch with Maura for days while trying to figure out what to do next.

I was serious when I told Maura that we would have found a way. Yeah, I'd have moved to California without batting an eye. I'd have set my career goals back so I could have been there for her and our child until she'd have finished her study.

I would have stepped back so the kid would have had a chance with us.

Yeah, I know. A child doesn't mean that you become a happy couple, but you can raise a kid without being in a relationship.

I lean forward and brace myself on my knees because I'm worried I might start hyperventilating if I don't do so.

Not because I exaggerated and ran too fast, but because my throat is constricting.

I get sick at the thought that I have to tell my brothers and my mother that I've actually fathered a child with Maura twenty-three years ago and that I didn't know about it.

I already know that my mother will freak out and that she will be disappointed because I never confided that Maura and I have known each other much longer than we've pretended.

I also know my mother won't ever talk to me or Maura again.

Not to mention Frankie.

I'm sure he'll questioning everything I told him after finding out that he thought that he might be in love with Maura.

I wouldn't blame him, though.

I'm not so much worried about Tommy. He was always a simple nature.

Perhaps he jokes about it and forgets it.

And there's Charlie.

How am I supposed to tell her that she's my kid but didn't know about her whole life. That I didn't even know that her mother Maura decided to give her away without asking me.

Such news can change a whole life, it can shake a whole life.

God, my life is already a mess, what while such news do to the others lives?

„Hey," I hear someone say and I look up, frowning deeply.

Frankie's suddenly standing in front of me in his running gear and eyes me skeptically while Charlie stops right beside him, raising hesitantly her hand and smiling.

I'm still out of breath and force myself to smile. „Hey. What are you two doing here? Together."

My brother raises his brows and glances briefly at the young woman. „Um, Charlie and I are working together since you took a leave."

I blink a few times and furrow my brows. „That doesn't explain why you are running together."

„We ... we get to know each other a little bit better because you're still on leave," the young woman explains, placing her hands on her hips.

Okay, I don't like that explanation at all. I know exactly what it means when my brother wants to get to know a woman better. „Does Nina about that?"

„Nina suggested it," Charlie answers my question when Frankie rolls his eyes.

„Oh," I reply a little relieved. „Okay."

Frankie tilts his head to the side and eyes me closely. „You okay? You look like shit."

„Gee, thank you," I groan, punching his shoulder. „Yeah, I'm alright." This time I roll my eyes when he raises his brows. „Drop by at my place tonight. I'll explain everything."

„I can get a coffee while you two talk," Charlie proposes and thrusts her thumb over her shoulder.

I wave it off. „Nah, it's all right. I'm on my home anyway. I ... have to do some things."

Frankie nods slowly but keeps looking at me. „Alright, see you tonight then."

„Yeah," I agree and close my eyes when my brother and Charlie continues their run. „see you tonight."

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I hand my brother and Nina a beer and sit down on my armchair before I take a long sip from my own bottle.

Frankie frowns deeply. „Okay, Jane, spit it out. What did you do?"

Nina's grinning broadly and sips her beer.

I swallow hard and lick my lips. I don't exactly know how to approach the subject. I just make it short and sweet. „I have a child."

Frankie almost spits out the beer in his mouth and starts coughing.

Nina's brows shoot up high when she hears my words. „What? How? When?"

Okay, now I'm sure that Frankie doesn't share all our family secrets with Nina. „I'm not ... I was not -" I stammer and swallow hard once again. „I didn't give birth to the kid. I was not -"

„Yeah, I know that you are not like other women," Nina states and I glare at my brother. „But why didn't you tell us that you got a woman preggers?"

I blink a few times and frown deeply. „Um ... because I knew nothing about it?"

„And what does that woman want from you know," Frankie asks, raising his shoulders. „Alimony?"

I empty my bottle and shake my head. „Not exactly."

Frankie and Nina exchange a puzzled look and I pinch the bridge of my nose.

Nina clears her throat before asking after an uncomfortable silence. „And when will we meet the child's mother and your offspring?"

I run my fingers over my brows, rub my thighs and get up to get another beer without answering the question.

„Okay," Frankie says and I glance at him when he follows me into the kitchen. „Jane, what is it?"

I open the bottle and clench my jaw. „Ma will kill me."

„Yeah, I'm pretty sure about that."

„Especially if she learns who the mother of my child is," I add without reacting to his reply.

„Why," Nina wants to know after following us into the kitchen.

Okay, it's useless to make pretense with the truth so I'll make it short and sweet again. „Because it's Maura."

She stumbles a little and braces herself on the kitchen counter. „What?"

Frankie stares at me as if I have lost my mind. „You're kidding me, aren't you? You told me that she'd be family and that I couldn't be with her because of that."

„I told you that because Maura is family," I reply with a deep frown.

„Now more than ever," he growls and winces when Nina slaps the back of his head.

She scowls at him and then she's scowling at me. „We ... we didn't notice that Maura was pregnant."

„I told you about Maura and me," I reply and she raises her brows.

„Yes, you did," Nina replies and narrows her eyes. „But you missed that little detail out."

My brother drops his hands on the counter and scoffs. „Could someone finally let me in this whole story?"

I run my hand through my hair and take a deep breath, emptying my next beer.

„Is that what you are doing for a whole week," he asks a little annoyed. „Getting shitfaced?"

„Yes," I agree with a growl. „most of the time." I point at one of the high chairs. „Frankie, please have a seat." I wait until he complies and swallow hard. „Maura and I ... Maura and I have known each other." I state and he keeps his mouth shut. „We've met over twenty years ago."

Frankie blinks several times and I open one of the kitchen cabinets. „You're kidding, right?"

„No," I sigh while filling three whiskey glasses. „No, I'm not kidding, little brother. I met Maura when I was nineteen. I mean, for the very first time."

This time Frankie downs his drink with one gulp and I refill his glass. „Why didn't you say that you two known each other for so long?"

I open my mouth to answer but then shake my head. „I ... I don't know, Frankie."

„You could've told me, Jane."

My shoulders slump because the hurt is evident in his voice. „Frankie -"

„How did you meet," he cuts me off harshly.

Nina glances at me and presses her lips together.

Yeah, only Maura and I know the whole story. „Do you remember my Yahama XJ700 and that I actually wanted to drive down the East Coast that summer before I start at the academy?"

He nods slowly. „Yeah, you suddenly canceled your plans and gave the bike to me."

„That was because Maura came up with her facts and that a biker would seldom survive a collision with a car. I didn't want to become an organ donor at that age." I glance at Nina and she clears her throat. „Anyway, I went to a coffee shop to get my daily coffee shot when Maura ran into me and scolded me with her own coffee."

Yeah, I know. The story sounds like a cheesy love story, but that's what happened, without the happy ending, though.

I hesitate and shrug. „We got along pretty well and started spending time together, and then Maura moved to California. I visited her there once and in that time I must have gotten her pregnant."

Frankie takes a deep breath. „Okay."

„I thought I'd never see her again," I state in a high-pitched voice, frowning. „We didn't stay in touch after that."

„Because you got her preggers," Nina asks and I shrug frustrated.

My brother takes another deep breath. „You didn't know about the baby?"

„No."

„Why?"

„Because she didn't tell me and because she gave the baby away."

Nina looks long at me and I glance down at my glass so I can hide my emotions. „Do you know what happened to your child?"

„Yes," I laugh humorlessly but without looking up. „Yes, I know what happened to my child, I was lucky enough to meet her, just like you."

She needs some time to understand. „Oh," she breathes.

My Frankie has always been a little slower than others when it came to putting one and one together. Not slow but slower. „What is it now?"

„It's Charlie."

„Charlie's what?"

I roll my eyes, empty my glass and refill it. Yes, I'm sure that I'll regret that tomorrow.

His eyes grow huge and pop almost out of his head. „Charlie's your daughter?!"

„Give the man a prize," I reply with a growl.

„You've got to be kidding me!"

I wonder how many times Frankie wants to say that again. „Yeah, Frankie. I messing with you and everyone else because I think it's a great idea to turn everyone's lives upside down!"

„Does Charlie know that she's ... related with you," Nina asks when her fiancé opens his mouth

I take a deep breath and rest my hands on the counter. „No, I don't think so."

My brother frowns deeply. „How are you going to tell that Ma? I mean, she has a granddaughter she knows nothing about."

Really? Is my little brother trying to make me feel guilty about a daughter I didn't know about until a week ago?

I lick my lips and shrug. „I have absolutely no idea. I have to deal with the idea that a child of mine is walking around in Boston on my own first, Frankie. I don't even know if I should tell Charlie about that. That she's working with her biological family without even knowing it. I don't know anything right now, that's why I took a leave."

He raises his hands because the last part is snarled through gritted teeth. „Relax."

„I am relaxed," I bark, throwing my glass into the sink and Nina flinches. „I am beyond relaxed event though my goddamn life turned into a farce!"

I brace myself on the sink and let my head sink to my chest, eyes closed.

Yeah, my whole life, my existence turned into a complete mess one week ago and I have no idea how to pick up the shards.


	6. Chapter 5

**First and foremost, I would like to thank you wholeheartedly. Thank you for your support and your kind words.**

**Your opinion means a lot to me.**

**I also admit that Chapter 3 was confusing and I'm going to revise this when I've finished this story.**

**Again, thank you for your encouragement.**

**I hope you like this installation as well.**

**Have fun,**

**T73.**

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I'm already home for the second week and my instinct is yelling at me to pack my things and leave Boston, to leave my old life behind and start a new one in a city where neither I or my story are known.

My reason, on the other hand, tells me that I can't run from my past forever and that I have to accept the truth and my past after all because I'm no teenager anymore.

Unfortunately, my reason doesn't tell me how to handle the truth. That would be quite some help.

Sure, I could call Hope and ask for her advice, but I can't imagine that this advice would help me.

She didn't exactly react happily when she got to know that her dead baby actually wasn't dead.

In short, I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.

At least Maura's giving me the time I need to process all the news.

I'm still beyond mad, but I can put myself in her position. I can understand how she must have felt when she had been caught up by the past.

I know that I'm not an angel and that I'm also to be blamed for the whole situation, but I didn't know what was going on more than twenty years ago.

But even back then I hated it when people didn't talk to me in plain language.

And Maura had more than just one chance to tell me the truth before it blew up in our faces.

Before I had a reason to hate her.

No, hate is the wrong word.

I don't hate Maura, but I can't stand her right now.

I don't even know how I feel about her right now.

I don't even know how I feel in general, besides that I feel numb and drained.

I know very well that it's best for me to take my distance when I start to feel that way until I've sorted my thoughts before someone gets hurt by me.

I'm not talking about physical violence, though. I'm talking about getting hurt emotionally.

In the last two weeks, I've written at least a dozen text to Maura in which I expressed how much I hate her and that I never want to see her again.

I've sent zilch of them.

I can't imagine a life without Maura in it, no matter how much she hurts me.

In this case, it isn't only me she's hurting but also Charlie and my family, our families.

No, Maura isn't the only one to blame, I am to blame, too. We both could have assumed that our fling could've far-reaching consequences, but we didn't consider that.

Yes, we were young and stupid, at least I was stupid, but that doesn't mean that I was irresponsible.

I meant everything I told Maura.

If I'd known about the pregnancy, I wouldn't have hesitated to move to California, I'd have postponed my very own goals to take care of the baby.

Would I have been a good parent? I don't know. She has taken the chance to find out away from me and for that, I probably will blame her forever even though I'm not a resentful person.

In that case, though, I am.

If I'd have known about the pregnancy, I would have told my mother about the romance and that a child developed out of it, I'd asked her for help and for advice.

Ma would have read me the riot act before we'd have left Boston to be there for the baby and for Maura. She wouldn't have to be on her own.

I ... growl when someone knocks on my door and get up from my couch to tell the person to get lost because I'm not really the most sociable person right now.

I open the door and my shoulders slump. „Maura."

„We need to talk," she states and pushes her way into the house.

„Sure," I growl and close the door again. „Make yourself at home."

„I know I made a mistake," she says and I cross protectively my arms over my chest. „I know that I shouldn't have camouflage my pregnancy."

„Really," I ask bitterly and quirk a brow.

„I'm tired" she replies and ignores my broad hint. „I'm tired of being the only one to blame and I'm tired of you hating me for something I decided to do decades ago."

I drop my arms again and frown deeply. „Something you decided all by yourself. Without telling me of your pregnancy! Without asking me if I'd be okay to put our baby up for adoption! It's always the same with you and big decisions. When it comes to making one, you think you're alone. That this decision would affect only your life. You thought so when you gave our child away and when you donated your damn kidney to a girl you didn't know."

„You can't compare that," Maura replies louder with an uncomprehending look. „I gave my kidney to my dying sister. It doesn't nothing have to do with the current situation!"

„YOU DON'T TALK TO ME," I state loud and she tugs her chin in. „You talk a lot, but you don't talk to me at all, Maura. Whether it's Charlie or that fucking organ. YOU DON'T TALK TO ME!"

„The kidney was my business, Jane!"

„And Charlie was my business," I yell on top of my lungs. „You were my business!"

I don't even know why the kidney donation is still making me so angry. Perhaps it's because I was there for Maura when Hope gave her the go-by after the successful transplant. Perhaps because I had to psych Maura up after that.

I don't wanna fool anyone, really not.

Twenty years ago, I was still a child and might've thought that it would be the right thing to put Charlie up for adoption to give her a real chance, that thought also crossed my mind the last few days, but at least I'd have had a say in it.

„We've been friends for decades, Maura," I whisper and flop back down on my couch.

Maura scoffs and keeps her distance while crossing her arms over her chest. „We've been friends for only a couple of years, Jane," she shoots back and I turn my head to her, glancing surprised at her. „When we were teenagers, we were no friends, nor were we a couple. We were children who happened to run into each other, to be attracted to each other, and who had sex for one summer. No more, no less.

I blink a few times and my mouth falls open in surprise. Have I really read more into this summer romance?

„The only thing we had in common was sex," she adds coldly.

I clench my jaw and get from the couch up again while a stabbing pain spreads in my chest. „Is that so," I growl dangerously low.

She follows me with her eyes and nods once. „Yes, it is. And when we met again we had nothing else but our work in common."

Maura's right, I can't deny that. It took some time to understand that we just had started from scratch to build a deep friendship.

„A few weeks ago you told me that you'd love me," I state weakly.

„I love you, Jane," she replies, swallowing hard.

„You also said that you've always loved me and suddenly we had nothing but sex in common? That's a contradiction in terms."

„I loved you twenty years ago, in my own way."

„You mean you were sexually attracted to me and thought it'd be love," I growl and can't hide my pain anymore. „Actually you just told me that I was nothing more than a sex object to you. Maybe I'm still nothing more than that in your eyes. An object that you can use until you'll meet Mr. Right."

„I would never do that to you."

„You already did, Maura," I yell again, pointing at myself while ignoring the tears in her eyes. „You already did when you decided to cheat on Derek with me. You came here and literally jumped at me that and then you pretended that it never happened. Apparently, this is a habit of yours. A trait that I just can't stand. Maybe this is why people who love you always leave you even though they love you with all your rough edges. Maybe that's the reason why you gave your child away. So she can't leave you, too."

„This has nothing to do with Charlene," Maura yells back at me.

„Yes, it does," it bursts out of me and I point at the front door. „It has everything to do with Charlie because she was the trigger for all of this without knowing it. You're thinking that I'm only an asshole whose life you've turned upside down. Think of the young woman who moved to Boston more than a year ago so she can start a new life, to forget about her past. Are you gonna hide the fact that you're her biological mother for the rest of your life? I won't support you in this Maura! I'm not gonna pretend that she isn't a part of my family!"

„Jane, please don't," she whispers with begging eyes.

„No," I bark, raising my hands before heading to the front door. „No, you don't have the right to ask that from me. I'll tell her the truth, no matter what the consequences are gonna be. I'm no longer a child, Maura. Today I am a responsible person. I won't hide the truth. I won't hide the fact that I have a daughter just because you ask me to. I'll face the consequences."

My heart breaks when I hear her sobs and I really think about changing my mind, only for a split of a second. „I need some fresh air. I want you to be gone when I come back." I know that I am a real bitch right now, but to hear that I was nothing more but a sex object ...

I stop dead when I open the door and see that Charlie turns with a file in one hand and a six-pack of beer in the other hand around. „Charlie," I gasp, and I know instantly that the young woman overheard parts of the loud fight.

She turns a little her head to look at me. „Frankie asked me to drop by and show you this case. He told me that I should bring this too." She furls her brows and licks her lips. „But I better should ... I better should go."

I feel Maura standing behind me and that she's as horrified as I am.

That was not the way I planned telling Charlie that she's my ... our daughter. „Do you wanna come in?"

She hesitates and sets her jaw before she turns to me, anger flashing in her eyes. „I have a family," she states vigorously. „I didn't have a perfect life, especially not after my sister killed herself, but I have a family that loves me even though sometimes it's hard for them to show, and I love them."

I swallow hard and nod slowly and step to the side. „I know," I say gently, frowning deeply. „Please come in so we can talk."

Charlie closes her eyes and I have the feeling that the woman wants to run any moment.

„Please," Maura implores and I swallow hard once again.

Charlie takes a deep breath, clenches her jaw and nods to herself. „I'll give you five minutes," she growls and walks past us.

Yes, no. Well, five minutes won't be enough to explain the whole story, but at least she's giving us a chance.

Charlie heads straight to the kitchen island and places the six-pack on it. „Since when do you know?"

Okay, straight to the point. „I ... er ... well-"

My answer's causing to react annoyed and she heads back to the closed front door.

„For a little more than two weeks," I answer quickly and the young woman stops. „I've known about it for a little more than two weeks."

Charlie turns to us and glares at Maura. „And what about you?"

Maura inhales sharply and I have to swallow hard. „I know you are my daughter when I saw you for the first time at the BPD."

Charlie doesn't seem to breathe and nods a little. „And you thought that it'd be best not to tell me?"

„That's not that easy," I reply, wondering why I don't let Maura answer the question.

„Why," Charlie shoots back, quirking a brow. „Because you created me in a Petri dish and when Maura was pregnant you fucked off?"

„You were not -" Maura stammers and I look with big eyes at her. „You are not ... you are not the result of IVF, Charlene."

„Was I born in a cabbage patch?"

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, my shoulders are slumping. „No, you weren't born in a cabbage patch, and no, you are not the result of IVF. I'm ... I'm -" I chuckle and shake my head, not knowing why I can't say it. „I'm not like you and Maura. I'm ... I'm intersexual."

Charlie blinks several times and then laughs, but not because she's amused. „So you're saying that I'm the child of a freak?"

My face darkens and I step closer to her. „Watch it," I growl and she suddenly flinches.

I frown deeply and step back even though the word freak still pisses me off. After all, I didn't ask for this condition.

But when I see the woman, the girl flinches, I realize that she really hadn't had the easiest life. „I didn't even know that I am able to beget children." In the corner of my eye, I see Maura opening her mouth and growl warningly because I know that she's coming up with some fact. „Don't!"

Charlie's eyes snap to Maura, who's closing her mouth immediately.

„Maura -" I trail off and sit down at the kitchen counter, smiling weakly. I don't exactly know how to explain everything after Maura told me that I was nothing more than a sex object to her. „Maura was the first woman who wasn't disgusted by my condition, not that I had been with a lot of women before. Until that time only two people knew about it, besides my family. My two ex-girlfriends. Maura -" I stop and close my eyes. „Maura -"

„I noticed Jane's condition quite quickly after we have met," Maura jumps in.

„And she didn't condemn me," I add and glance briefly at my best friend, my confidant. „She treated me like a normal person, encouraged me to be who I actually am. And when I showed up you decided that it'd be best not to tell me?"

„So you stuck your dick inside her, knocking her up, and then cut and run," Charlie asks with a growl and scowls at me.

„It's not that simple," I sigh and point at the six-pack before she hands me a bottle. „I can't tell how I'd react if I would have found out about you when I was nineteen. I really can't tell because we were children back then." I pause and look at Maura, swallowing hard. „I know how I would react today, though. Maura and I ... Maura and I were two teenagers who were living thousands of miles apart. She was about to study medicine and I was about to go to the police academy. We had plans and weren't ready for such a turning point in our lives."

Charlie looks long and hard at Maura. „So you are my biological mother."

Maura blinks back her tears and nods. „Yes, I am."

The young woman takes her time to process the news and then she husks, „Why didn't you want me? Did I do something wrong or was it because I was the daughter -"

„You were perfect," Maura cuts her off, wiping a tear off her cheek. „You were my little perfect girl, Charlene. It took me a year to make the decision to put you up for adoption." She squints at the ceiling and a look at her with huge eyes. „I didn't make this decision easily, but eventually I was stretched too thin. I had you and studied medicine, and ... I had no one I could have asked for help. I hardly slept because I started to feel like I was neglecting you because of my study and I realized that I wanted you to have a better life than I had as a child. But I never forgot you. On the contrary, I always had you with me."

I stare at Maura when she reaches for her purse and frown deeply when she gets her wallet out of it, opening it.

I didn't know about that part of that story yet, probably because I never gave Maura the chance to get there.

Charlie takes Maura's wallet and is staring at something, I guess a picture of her as a baby because tears are forming in her eyes. „That's me," she whispers.

„Yes," Maura agrees. „that is you when you were three months old."

I get up boisterously after emptying my beer. Once again I feel betrayed. Not only because I didn't know about my daughter but because Maura deprived me of that little detail.

The fact that Maura needed one year before she decided to give Charlie away.

I always thought that Charlie had been put up for adoption right after she was born.

Now I know that Maura had spent one year with our daughter, that she has memories with the girl and that I didn't get the chance to be there for either of them.

Am I angry right now? Hell, yeah. I am about to explode!

Charlie looks long at me and then she glances at the woman next to me. „I can't remember." She shakes her head and frowns deeply. „I just ... I can't ... I can't be here right now."

„Charlie," Maura says softly when the other woman starts getting up.

„I always knew that I was adopted," Charlie says when she swirls back to us, wiping angrily a tear off her cheek."and yet my parents treated me like I was theirs. That was until my sister killed herself. Then my mother made me responsible for her death because I knew that my sister was a dope fiend and because I was about to go to the academy. At this time I really felt like I was an alien and started to wonder who my birth parents are. I told myself that you have to be big adventurers or archeologist, and couldn't be there for me without putting me in danger. Or that you two would be drug addicted yourself. That sounded right to me because I nothing else could explain why you gave me away so easily." She smiles sadly but it drops instantly. „Turns out that you were just two kids who couldn't keep their clothes on and then couldn't face the consequences."

Maura gets up too and approaches carefully the young woman. „Charlie -"

„I am a human," Charlie suddenly yells. „and not a damn thing that you can put to the side when you get bored of it. I am a human."

„I know," Maura replies while I get up from my chair, too.

„Did you ... did you ever think of me? Did you ever wonder what became of me? If I found a good family? If I ... if I'm still alive?"

Maura nods vigorously. „Yes, every single day?"

Charlie presses her lips together and her face darkens once again. „Then why didn't look for me?"

Maura opens her mouth to answer the question but closes it immediately. It seems like she can't come up with a satisfying answer.

Charlie scoffs and heads to the door, slamming it shut when she leaves the house.

„Maura, don't," I say when my best friend is about to follow the young woman.

She turns to me with tears streaming down her cheeks. „But -"

„She needs time," I cut her off and set my jaw when she sobs heart-wrenching. I furrow my brows and pull her into my arms. „It'll be alright. She'll be alright."

She clinches to my shirt and I close my eyes while she's shaking.

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I couldn't have known how wrong I was when I told Maura that everything would be alright again.

I didn't know that Charlie would avoid Maura and me like the plague and that she'd return to her squad unit instantly.

That happened a week ago.

Sure, we say our hellos when we cross paths in the entrance hall or the cafe, but every time her voice is beyond cold.

Korsak's sitting at his desk and glances over the rim of his glasses. „What the hell is going on," he asks suddenly and Frankie and I are looking surprised at him. „First, Maura and you are avoiding each other and now Charlie prefers to be back on patrol instead of working with you! What did you do, Jane?"

I furl my brows and open my mouth to ask the old man how the hell he got the idea that this is my fault while Frankie takes a long sip from his coffee.

„Rizzoli," Rowe barks suddenly, keeping me from growling at my former partner. „in my office. Now!"

I know exactly what my lieutenant means me and not my little brother, so I get up from my chair before Frankie gets the chance to ask what's the matter.

I hold my breath and slow my steps when Charlie emerges from Rowe's office and glares briefly at me.

I clench my teeth and enter the office, waiting until he closes the door. „Sir -"

„Can you explain to me why Officer Knox is applying for a transfer after working with you for more than six months?"

I keep a straight face and resist the urge to frown deeply, standing right in front of his desk. „I'm sure she has her reasons, Sir."

I'm sure that I know that reason, but I'm far from ready to share my suspicion with my boss right now.

„Did you urged her to be transferred?"

I straighten up and shake my head. „No, Sir. I've always advised Officer Knox to take the detective's exam as soon as possible because we can use someone with her foresight and empathy in this unit. I really can't tell you why she's applying for a transfer. I am as surprised as you are."

I am a damn good liar and that scares me pretty much.

He looks closely at me and furls his brows, leaning back in his chair. „You didn't have had a disagreement?"

I take a deep breath and shake my head. I see no reason to tell him that there was a disagreement, at my place. „No, Sir. We were always on the same page."

He sighs loudly and scratches his chin. „That is a hell of wasted talent. I'll

recommend bass to assign McFarland to Homicide."

I hold my breath so I can't growl. Of course, that has nothing to do with politics.

I'd rather work with the meek Herrera instead of McFarland, who would get on a roll by such an assignment.

I swallow hard and frown deeply. „Is that all, Lieutenant?"

He waves his hand and nods. „Yeah, you're dismissed."

I nod, too, and turn on my heels before stomping out of the office.

I grab my jacket from the back of my chair and ask Korsak without looking at him, „Do you think you can handle Frankie for a couple of hours without me?"

Korsak exchanges a look with Frankie and furls his brows. „Sure."

„Great, thanks," I say and smile tightly before leaving the bullpen.

That's what I love about him. He doesn't ask what's going on or where I am going. Not if he knows that he doesn't have to worry about me.

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I'm standing in front of Charlie's door and wonder if it is such a good idea to knock at that damn thing. I take a deep breath and finally do it. I mean, what can happen? Nothing big beside the girl throwing the door into my face.

Charlie opens the door and rolls her eyes when she spots me. „I'm not having time for that," she states but doesn't block my way into the apartment. On the contrary, she steps aside.

I take another deep breath and enter the apartment for the very first time. „Where are you going," I ask when I see the moving boxes.

She doesn't look at me and starts to pack her books from the bookshelf into a box. „I'm moving somewhere where I'm not near Boston or Phoenix. Seattle maybe." She lifts briefly her eyes. „I hope you'll give me a decent letter of recommendation."

I sigh loudly, take off my jacket and throw it on the dark gray couch. „You don't have to leave."

She doesn't look at me but laughs humorlessly. „You have no idea who I am."

I wiggle my brows and sigh once again. „No, I have no idea who you are, but I know who I am. And if you're just a little bit like me than you run when the situation gets complicated. If you're just a little bit like me than you built up protective walls so no one can get close to you." It seems like I pervade to the young woman because she stops packing and straightens up. „Do you think that only you had a tough life? That you're the only one who's burdened. I was called many things just because of my condition when I was a kid, and even at the BPD. Maura also had no easy life as a child. On the contrary, her parents neglected her and she decided to send herself to a boarding school. The kids called her all kind of names just because she wasn't like the others. And when she starts at BPD the others called her Queen of the Dead because she was socially ... awkward." I furrow my brows when she turns to me. „Neither Maura nor I are perfect, Charlie, and we probably aren't the way you imagined us, but ... you can't change the fact that we are your parents and that Maura and I care about you." I frown deeply when Charlie crosses her arms over her chest. „I already cared about you even before I knew that you are my ... That we are ... Before I knew who you are." My shoulder slump and I shake my head. „I want you to know that we were just kids and that I probably would've supported Maura's decision to put you up for adoption. Maura's not the only one to blame."

Charlie nods slowly and clicks her tongue. „So you're both irresponsible assholes. Good to know."

I press my lips together and nod. „By and large, yes."

She scoffs and continues packing her impressive book collection. „Fantastic."

I roll my eyes and run my hand through my hair. „At least meet with Maura before you leave Boston."

She turns back to me and glances coldly at me. „And why should I do that?"

I blink a few times and furrow my brows. „So you can see that she's anything but a bad person and that there was another reason than exhaustion why she decided to give you away. Get to Maura in her natural habitat and try to understand who she really is."

Charlie blinks a few times and frowns a little. „Her natural habitat?"

I nod once again and shift my weight from one foot to the other. „The Dirty Robber isn't her usual establishment, she just accommodates herself to it. She's more into escargots and caviar, not into burger and fries."

„What," Charlie asks with a disgusted face.

I swallow hard and set my jaw so I can't grin. „Just give her a chance and get to know her. That's what I'm trying to say. And after that you can decide of you wanna keep hating her or not."

„What about you?"

Although I am already on my way out, I stop. „Right now ... I'm secondary."

Charlie exhales slowly. „Do you hate her?"

I close my eyes and shake my head like I'm trying to control all those feelings for my best friend. I'm not even sure if I still wanna call Maura that right now. „What I feel for her is ... much more complicated, Charlie. You're ... you're not the only one who got betrayed by Maura." I turn to the woman and frown. "I don't hate her. I can't hate her because we went through a lot together, things I wouldn't have survived without her. But I know that I will never forgive her for not telling me about you." I purse my lips and sit down on the couch. „Deep down I know she didn't tell me because she wanted to protect you. If I would have known about you a year or two ago, I would have started to look for you and probably would've turned your life upside down at any cost. I also know that she would have reached out for you if she'd have known that you're suffering so much if she'd have known how your mom treated you after your sister died. I know that because ... Believe it or not, but I know that because she's the most caring person I've ever met, besides my mother." I set my jaw because Charlie's raising her brows incredulously.

„Then why did she gave me away after raising me one year," the young woman hisses.

„I don't know," I reply with a sigh and run my hand through my hair. „I can't tell you, sweetheart." I freeze because the pet name slips out of my mouth unintentionally.

I can see all kind of emotions in Charlie's eyes. Surprise, pain, anger and other things I don't want to specify right now.

„I am not your sweetheart," the young woman laughs angrily.

„I didn't mean to say that."

„I am not your sweetheart, honey pie or kid," she growls, pointing at me and I furl my brows. „You have no right to call me that! You are no part of my life!"

I get back up to my feet and step close to the woman. No, woman isn't the right word right now. It feels like a little girl is standing in front of me right now who is beyond mad for not being a part of my life. For not knowing who she actually is.

„YOU. DON'T. KNOW. ME. OR. WHAT. I. WENT. TROUGH," she yells blusterously.

I stay calm and furrow my brows. „I know, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you that."

She turns away from me and runs her hands through her hair with a loud, annoyed groan.

It feels like she turned into a ten-year-old who is throwing a tantrum.

Okay, the cause of her tantrum is far worse than not getting the right birthday present.

I go to her and place my hand on her shoulder.

„Don't touch me," she growls warningly and shakes my hand off.

I ignore the warning and put my hand back on her back.

Charlie faces me again, tears in her eyes. „I left Phoenix to have a fresh start. Since I wanted to leave my past behind. I found a new job, a new apartment and new friends in Boston. And then you showed up and ruined everything."

My mouth drops open and I furl my brows. I don't really understand why she's saying that. It's not like she's a minor runaway that I have to return to her parents in Phoenix. „You don't have to leave Boston just because now you know who your biological parents are."

She takes her distance again and chuckles bitterly. „Yes, I have to."

„Why?"

„Because you are Jane Rizzoli, my mother, my father, whatever you call yourself. Because she is Maura Isles, my mother. Everyone in Boston knows you. How am I supposed to be taken seriously when people get to know that I am ...related to you?"

I exhale slowly when the penny drops, but then I furrow my brows. „You don't have to tell anyone."

„Are you going to treat me like any other person at the precinct?"

I open my mouth to answer the question but shut it immediately because I know that I can't and that I won't treat her like she's just a common police officer. Because I know that I won't be able to do so even though she's a grown woman.

„I thought so," she states and starts packing again. „I worked too hard for my reputation, Jane. I won't let you ruin that, too."

I blink a few times and frown deeply because I know that this hasn't to do with work or reputations. Because I know that this pain and anger goes deeper.

I close my eyes and place my elbows on my knees, inhaling deeply because a wave of similar anger is bubbling up in me right now.

I am sick and tired of being called names and being accused of things I hadn't had a say in.

I grab my jacket and get up from the couch. „You know where to find me if you wanna talk, but right now I'm done."

Charlie turns surprised to me. „Now you are the one who's running just because it's getting uncomfortable?"

This question is the last straw. „Do you think I wanted this," I yell and she holds my gaze. „Do you think I wanted any of this? I get it, you are angry and hurt, but none of this has to do with your goddamn reputation. So stop using it as an excuse, Charlie. It's not only your life that's been turned upside down and you're not the only one who had a tough life. But here's the news, life ain't easy! So stop wailing and grow up!"

Charlie's face goes blank and I turn to leave. This time I slam the fucking apartment door shut. This went not at all how I imagined. I wanted to be Maura's advocate once again. I failed miserably because my own emotions got the best of me.

I want to recite Charlie: I am a human!


	7. Chapter 6

**Hey guys, I'm really sorry about this delay, but I really wanted to publish this chapter carefully. Here are some answers, emotional moments and the usual.**

**I hope I do****n'****t disappoint your expectations. At least not too much.**

**And ****I**** also**** hope you like this update and that you share your thoughts with me.**

**I hope you enjoy it.**

**Bye for now,**

**T73.**

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I'm sitting at the counter in the Dirty Robber and sip my beer while being skeptically eyed by my mother.

I roll my eyes and my shoulders slump. „Go ahead, Ma."

She leans forward and asks me in a whisper, „Why is it that Charlie's leaving the BPD again?"

I snap a peanut in my mouth and furrow my brows, whispering back, „Why are you whispering?"

This time Ma rolls her eyes and straightens up, crossing her arms over her chest. „So is it true? She's leaving?"

I take my time before I nod slowly, pulling the corners of my mouth down. „Yes."

„What did you do?"

I sip my beer and frown deeply. „Why does everyone think that this has to do with me?"

„Because you can become obnoxious if you don't like someone," my mother shoots back and I raise my brows.

I open my mouth to reply something when I see a familiar figure in the corner of my eye, slowly turning my head to her direction. „Hey, Maura."

Maura smiles broadly and sits down next to me. „Hi."

I eye her closely and quirk a brow. „Did you have a date?"

She takes a deep breath and smiles at my mother. „Something like that. I got an unexpected call."

I blink a few times and frown with a soft smile. „Care to share?"

„Charlie called me," she answers with a tight smile when Ma brings her accidentally a glass of wine that she hasn't ordered.

I still don't believe in coincidences, that's why I roll my eyes and thrust my chin at a table in a silent booth. „Let's talk over there before someone happens to eavesdrop on what we have to say."

Ma scoffs and swings a dishtowel over her shoulder.

Maura smiles broadly, takes her glass and follows me to the booth.

I sit down with a dramatic sigh and furrow my brows. „I suppose Charlie has told you in detail what a jerk I am."

Maura smiles broadly and sips her wine. „Not exactly. She just told me that you came to her apartment to be my advocate and that at some point the conversation got a little bit heated."

„That's a pretty nice description," I mumble into my bottle and grin widely when I see her puzzled look. „I'm pretty sure she used other words than yours."

Maura raises her brows now and she licks her lips. „Maybe. In some ways, you two are very much alike."

„That's the Italian fire burning within us," I reply with a shrug and chuckle when she tilts her head. „Or maybe just bad breeding."

She rolls her eyes with a faint smile.

I take a deep breath and frown. „I guess the call went quite well."

„It indeed did," she sighs and licks her lips once more. „we met for dinner."

„I'm glad," I say but somehow can't wipe my frown off my forehead. „Did you fraternize while dinner?"

„We haven't ganged up on you if that's what you are thinking, Jane." She pauses and inhales deeply when I look questioningly at her. „I just tried to answer her questions as best I could."

„Questions like how you could give her away even though you've been raising her for one year?"

She runs her fingers along her bottom lip and exhales slowly with a nod. „Yes."

I nod as well and furrow my brows, leaning forward. „Could you explain that to me, too? I mean, I know you, Maura. Or at least I thought so. You would never make such a decision easily, especially after one year. Couldn't you connect with Charlie? What happened? I mean -" I trail off and lean back in my chair, running my hand through my hair. „I ... I ... I don't get it, Maura."

Maura opens her mouth and closes it again immediately, placing her fingers on her lips.

I know that this is a sign that she's lost for words, that the big brain of hers can't come up with a good answer. „I'm not here to fight, Jane."

„Me neither," I reply with a sigh, running my hands over my face. „Me neither, but you owe me an explanation."

„Yes, I do," she agrees and looks long at me. I don't know what she's seeing in my eyes right now. „I really hope that you can forgive me one day."

„Maura," I say in a whisper and close my eyes briefly. „Of course I'll forgive you someday. I just -"

„I know," she cuts me off and nods with a sad smile. „You need time and I can wait."

I know that she can wait, she's the most patient person in the world. „I know that," I state with raised brows and we both chuckle.

„I'm just here to thank you for being my advocate," she says softly while I sip my beer.

I lower my bottle and hold her gaze. „I will always be your advocate, Maura."

I can tell that she's at the brink of tears because she's suddenly pressing her lips together and she's avoiding my eyes. „I leave you alone now."

My brows shoot up and straighten up. „Maura -"

She gathers her belongings and gets up. „Good night, Jane."

I blink a few times and watch her walking towards the exit before I snap out of my haze and throw some bills on the table. „Maura, wait!" Outside I almost bump into her because she stops abruptly. „Let me drive you home."

It's cold and Maura wraps her coat tightly around her body. „It's okay, I'll take a cab."

„You sure don't at this time of night," I protest seriously.

„Jane," she replies with a faint smile. „I'll be fine."

I've heard those words one too many times and then she was gone, kidnapped and nearly killed or arrested for murder. She steps a little closer and tries to convince me with a look that she'll be fine. „See you tomorrow."

„Yeah," I say and set my jaw. „see you tomorrow."

Okay, now would be the right time to leave before things are getting awkward.

Why the hell am I still standing there as if I'm rooted to the spot. As if she had chained me to her years, decades ago.

I know it sounds crazy, addictive. And that's what I probably am. Addicted to her.

I glance at Maura's puzzled face and know that she's wondering why I don't make my way to my car, why I'm staring at her as if she had grown a second head.

If Maura wants the bells, a white dress, the house the white fence, the dog and a bunch of kids ... Hell, then I'll give it to her.

If that's what she wants I'll drop to my knees right here and right now and ask her to -

„Jane," pulls Maura's voice me from my train of thought and I blink several times

„Come here," I croak and before I know what I'm doing, I'm pulling her into a tight hug.

She exhales slowly and wraps her arms around me while placing her head on my chest.

I close my eyes and pull her closer to me. Yeah, I've been longing for the physical contact, too. Not in a sexual way, though. I've longed to be close to my best friend again, my confidante.

Maura's clinging to me and I can tell that I wasn't the only one who felt that way.

I wanna tell her that I love her and that everything's forgiven and forgotten, but I'm not there just yet. That's why I swallow those words again.

I inhale her scent before I loosen my hold and take a step back.

She glances up at me and gasps. I don't know what she's seeing in my eyes right now, but I'm pretty sure that it's my bare soul, my rare feelings for her and the pain and distrust she has sowed.

My eyes flutter shut when she cups my cheek, whispering. „I'm sorry." I don't breathe nor do I move when she presses gently her lips to mine. „I'm so sorry for what I did to you."

I keep my eyes closed and set my jaw to keep my composure. So much about remain steadfast.

Under other circumstances, I would have pushed away and asked what the hell she was thinking and just kissing me.

Right now ... I just wanna hold her forever and a day. Have her around me 24/7.

With her, I can be who I really am and don't have to worry what she's thinking of me.

Yeah, on the outside I am the tough woman, but on the inside, I am many things but that.

Once, Ma and Maura put it right: hard shell, soft core.

Of course, I will never agree with that!

Before I know what I'm doing, I pull Maura back against me, kissing her, hard.

I also know that Ma's probably watching us right now and is doing a jig of glee, but I don't care about that now.

I finally want to fish or cut bait and don't wanna always be the asshole in the end.

Is that selfish? Yeah, probably, but that's something I worry about tomorrow.

I hear Maura's soft moan and pull her even more into my body."

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I groan and stretch my arms over my head and make a face because I realize that I haven't closed the blinds last night and the damn sun is slowly but surely waking me with its rays.

I heave a sigh and wanna turn on my right side when someone is whimpering in protest.

I now realize that I don't wear anything and that I am not alone in my bed.

Did I got wasted and only imagined the things with Maura while hooking with a stranger up? God, I hope not. I hope that the woman in my bed is the one I desire.

I hold my breath and crack an eye open, staring at a sleeping Maura.

„Jane," she mumbles and stretches her arms a little over her head. „that is creepy." She opens her eyes and furls her brows because I can't stop staring at her exposed breasts. „That is even more creepy."

„Can you blame me," I ask with a chuckle when she pulls the sheet over her chest and scoffs. „Good morning, by the way."

„Yes," she agrees, turning her head to me. „it is a pretty good morning."

„Thank you," I ask with furrowed brows and snicker when she rolls her eyes.

She links our hands and becomes serious. „Jane, what does that mean?"

I glance down at our linked hands and purse my lips without looking up. „It means that I wanna have you for myself and that we become exclusive. And that we stop seeing someone else."

I look up and swallow hard when I see the deep frown on her forehead.

Why on earth can't I just shut up for once?

I'm beyond sure that she's out of my bed in no time, gathers her clothes and leaves my apartment without looking back.

Maura takes a deep breath and nods slowly. „Okay."

I blink a few times and frown now. „Okay?"

„Yes," she replies, propping herself up on her elbow. „let's be exclusive."

That's not exactly what I've expected. „You do know what I mean with being exclusive, don't you?"

She smiles and nods again. „Of course I do. It means that we have with no one else intercourse."

I make a face and close my eyes, hearing Maura chuckle. „I swear to God, if you say that again, I'm out of this bed in no time."

She laughs and before I know what's happening she's straddling my hips, leaning down a little. „It means that I am yours and that you are mine."

God, this woman has no clue how right she is. I am hers and hers alone.

Before I know what's happening she's straddling my hips.

I swallow hard and force myself to look Maura in the eye because if I don't, this conversation is so over.

I'm sure she can see what I'm thinking right now because she smiles mischievously.

Okay, maybe not only see but also ...

Hey, after all, I'm only human, alright!

Maura leans a little down and her lips are hovering over mine. „Jane, it's not the first time you've seen me naked. And it wouldn't be the first time you look at my body."

„No," I husk and swallow hard once again. „it wouldn't be the first time, but I'm trying to have a conversation with you."

Which is really hard with her being on top of me and the look she's giving me right now.

Okay, I really should focus on the conversation. „God, woman," I groan when she bits her bottom lip. „you are killing me."

„You appear to be pretty alive," she replies smugly and raises her brows.

I growl low and flip her onto her back.

We can later have the talk about the conditions of our ... relationship.

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„The Devil In The White City, huh?"

Charlie glances up from the book in front of her that is about the first documented American serial killer H.H Holmes and frowns deeply. „Are you following me"

I look around in the coffee shop and hold up my paper cup, clearing my throat. „Not really. I'm a regular."

She rolls her eyes and closes the worn book. „Of course you are. You know The Devil In The White City?"

I'm relieved that she doesn't tell me to leave her alone. „You think Maura's the only smart person in your -" I trail off before I can say family and wiggle my brows. „Besides, I'm a Homicide detective myself."

„This book isn't a part of the police academy's syllabus."

I chuckle and shift my weight from one foot to the other. „Okay, I admit it. I just like good crime stories based on the truth."

She narrows her eyes and leans back in her chair. „You like the truth?"

I am taken aback for a second and raise my brows. „I did not lie to you."

„You didn't tell me who you are, either," the young woman shoots back.

„What was I supposed to say," I ask in a high-pitched voice and lower it when some heads turn to us. „Hey, welcome to BPD. Besides, I'm your long lost mother and ... Oooh, I have a dick! Tell me, what was I supposed to say?" I close my eyes because I feel my temper and my frustration getting the best of me.

„What do you want," she suddenly asks.

I open my eyes again and take a deep breath. „First of all, I wanna thank you for giving Maura the chance to explain herself."

„Yeah, we talked."

„This is progress, Charlie," I say with furrowed brows when she glances at me. „This is a step forward and maybe you'll hear my part of the story, too."

„I don't need to hear your part of the story," she hisses and my shoulders slump. „I don't need your part because you are not my parents. You are two strangers who happen to be my producers."

„Is this what you told Maura," I asked Charlie with big eyes, almost challenging. „Cuz I didn't get the feeling that you said this to her when she told me about your dinner date. I think that you two approached. Maybe, someday, you hear me out, too."

Charlie presses her lips together and looks down at her book.

„Not today," I say softly and step a little closer. „When you are ready. However, I just wanna say that your transfer would be a huge loss for BPD. Maybe you'll change your mind."

She reopens her book and I have to suppress a loud groan. „See you around, Charlene."

„I'm not becoming a fan of the Patriots," she suddenly states.

I swirl around and look surprised at her. „Excuse me?"

Charlie doesn't look up, licks her lips and turns the page. „No matter how hard you'll try, I won't become a fan of the damn Patriots. I'm a girl from Arizona."

I furrow my brows and force myself not to smile like a Cheshire cat because I think she just told me that she's staying in Boston. „Actually you're a California girl."

This makes Charlie slowly raise her eyes and she furrows her brows, too. „Would you prefer me cheering for L.A. Rams or Chargers?"

„Hell no," I answer without hesitating and we both chuckle.

I clear my throat and take a deep breath. „So, I'll see you on Monday?"

The smile slips from her lips again and nods slowly. „Yeah, till Monday."

This is my cue to leave because apparently, the conversation is over.

I turn on my heels and don't hide any longer my huge smirk.

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I enter Maura's house and freeze when I spot my mother behind the kitchen counter. Okay, I am really not in the mood to be interrogated by my mother!

„Hi, Jane," I hear Ma say when I try to sneak up the stairs to Maura's bedroom.

I let my arms drop and throw my head back before glancing around the corner. „Hey, Ma."

She has an expression I can't read. „Is there something you wanna tell me?"

„I love you," I state with a way too happy face and my statement sounds more like a question.

Ma scoffs and places her hands on the counter. „Since when are you and Maura together?"

See! I knew that she was spying on as when we've kissed in front of the Dirty Robber.

I rub nervously my hands and wear still the same stupid smile on my face. „Uh, Maura's upstairs," I ask her back, avoiding her question.

„Jane," Ma says warningly and starts to round the counter.

„I -" I stammer and approach slowly but surely the stairs. „Uh, I go check on her."

„Jane," she says louder while I run up the damn stairs. „At least leave the door open!"

I scoff and turn my head a little. Yeah, not gonna happen, I'm not twelve anymore!

„Jesus," I laugh after entering Maura's bedroom and locking the said door.

„Jane," Maura states surprised while turning in surprise and placing her hand over her heart. „what happened?"

I realize that she was about to take a shower when I burst in. No, she is not naked, though. „My mother happened! Downstairs, in your kitchen!"

„Oh," she breathes and tilts confused her head. „I thought she would be at Ron's."

„Yeah, and I thought she'd live with him at his house by now," I reply sarcastically and turn the corners of my mouth down while approaching her slowly.

„Jane," Maura chuckles and wraps her arms around my neck after I pulled her against me.

„She wanted me to leave the door open," I state with wide eyes.

„That's why you locked it," she asks, stands on her tiptoes and kisses me lightly.

„Yes," I answer petulantly and smile down at her after she rolled her eyes.

„And because I want you naked on this bed."

Maura chuckles against my lips when I kiss her again.

„No, you don't."

„Yes, I do," I reply and sit down on the edge of the bed. Oh, hell, yeah, I so do, but not right now. Yeah, I could spend day and night with Maura in bed but at some point, we also need to talk every now and then.

„I ran into Charlie today."

Maura disappears in her walk-in closet and asks, „Literally?"

I lean back and roll my eyes with a groan. „Yeah, Maura. I was jogging with my steaming hot coffee in one hand and my glazed twist in the other when I ran into her."

Maura reappears again with a worried expression. „Do you need me to take a look at your burns?"

I blink a few times and look with a mischievous grin down at my private parts. „Uh, yes, please."

Maura realizes that I am taking her for a ride, smirks and shakes her head. „Did you talk to her?"

I laugh heartily and take a deep breath. „Yes, we talked."

„About important things?"

„You mean besides the facts that she won't become a fan of the New England Patriots?"

Maura's head appears again and she can't hide her surprise. „She's staying in Boston?"

I nod with a broad grin. „Yeah."

„How -" she tries to asks and walks to me.

I shrug innocently and frown a little. „I just ... told her that her transfer will be a huge loss for BPD."

„That is all? You told her that her transfer will be a loss?"

I try to smile sweet and innocent and raise my shoulders. „Maybe we had a little dispute before I told her that."

Maura's shoulders slump suddenly. „Oh, Jane."

„I didn't start it but I stopped it," I reply in a high-pitched voice and make big eyes. „I told her to hear my part of the story when she's ready." Maura's making a face as if she's in pain and I reach out for her hand. I pull her to me and let her stand between my legs. „There is nothing to worry about, Maura. And somehow I can take her point. I mean, she's an adult woman who thought all her life that her biological parents abandoned her because -" I trail off and think hard. „I can't come up with a good reason. You, Maura, should know best how Charlie's feeling right now."

„My biological father was the boss of the Irish mob and on death row now and my biological mother didn't know that I was still alive and accused me of fraud after she found out that her baby daughter didn't die at birth. She asked me what I want," Maura shoots back with a serious, almost mad expression.

I frown deeply and blink several times. Yeah, I remember that night pretty clear. „I didn't do this to my daughter."

„No," I say and swallow my upcoming anger. I don't wanna fight with Maura right now. „No, instead you pretended that you don't have a child at all."

Okay, I really need to shut up now!

„I made a mistake," Maura replies a little louder, tugs her hands out of mine and takes her distance. „I made an incredibly huge mistake, twice."

I purse my lips that she didn't only have made a mistake twice, but keep my mouth shut.

Maura turns away from me and runs her hand through her hair. „I made a mistake when I gave her away and I made a mistake when I pretended not to know who Charlie is, but I can't undo those mistakes, Jane." She turns to me and blinks back her tears. „God, I wish I could."

I am up to my feet in no time and stand in front of her, running my hands down her arms. „I know," I say softly with furrowed brows. „I know, Maura. But there are things that can't be undone no matter how much we wish we could."

Maura closes her eyes and shakes her head. „When I found out that I was pregnant with Charlie, I haven't had anyone. I ... was on my own."

„You weren't on your own," I reply, raising my shoulders when she looks at me in disbelief. „You just had to call me or write me a letter. I would've come to you without a second thought."

Maura takes her distance and laughs humorlessly. „Jane, you're saying this today. Back then -" she trails off, sighing loudly. „Back then, we were just kids with different plans. None of them involved children. I mean, we were always so careful."

I close slowly my eyes and set my jaw. „Until the day I surprised you in California."

„Yes," Maura agrees with a sad smile.

I let the information sink and bite briefly but thoughtfully on my bottom lip. „Maura -"

„I know, Jane," she cuts me short, running her hand through her hair. „I know what you want to say, Jane. I really struggled with myself at that time. On a really tough day, I wanted to call you but didn't."

„Why didn't you?"

„Because I never met one of your brothers or your parents. What impression would they have gotten of me when I'd shown up in the latest stage of pregnancy? Besides, I didn't want to force you into something you weren't ready for."

„Oh, Maura," I breathe and frown deeply when I realize what I have done to her. „I'm so sorry. I didn't know -"

Maura shakes her head with a sad smile. „You don't have anything to be sorry about, Jane."

„Yes," I state and swallow hard. „Yes, I have. I didn't introduce you to my brothers and my parents because I was sure that we wouldn't be alone anymore after that and I wanted to have you all by myself 24/7. I am looking at the current situation, Maura. Ma's living in your guest room and is surely starting our wedding album right now," I whisper, looking her in the eye when she scoffs. „Maura, already twenty-three years ago I knew that I was madly in love with you. And already then I was wondering how someone like you could ever be with someone like me." I take a deep breath and swallow hard. „What happened," I ask and she looks puzzled at me. „Why did you give Charlie up for adoption?"

She closes her eyes briefly and licks her lips. „I tried, Jane. I really did. I tried to be a good mother for Charlie while studying, and for some time it worked. But then everything went out of control. Charlie started to get colics and then there was the everlasting painful memory of you every time I looked at her." Maura raises her hand when I am about to say something. „I barely slept, I barely ate, let alone study. And then there came rumors up that Charlie would be the result of an affair people assumed I had had with a professor. I couldn't take it anymore, everything became too much. I was running on empty. And at that point, I had to make a decision. Today, I regret this decision deeply. There was no day I haven't been thinking about Charlene. You have to believe me."

I furrow my brows and nod vehemently because I do believe her.

I know from professional experience that there is only so much one person can bear alone. And from this experience, I also know that people who are stretched too thin are able to do unthinkable things to their child. That they are making the wrong decision they regret later. That they kill their children because they became a burden or because they didn't want the kids to live with their father after an ugly custody battle.

It sounds awful but from this point of view, I am glad that Maura ...

„I let you down, Maura," I suddenly say before I can finish my train of thought. „I -" I don't get the chance to tell her what I've missed to tell her for years because she's kissing me. Hard.

I sigh and stop her when she's about to push me toward her bed. „Maura," I murmur against her lips, knowing that she's trying to distract me. „Maura, wait."

Maura starts to unfasten my belt and looks hurt at me when I stop her hands. „Don't you want me?"

Yep, definitely a red herring!

I caress her cheek and start to breathe again. „Of course I want you. God, I want you so much, but right now you're trying to distract me cuz you want this conversation to end." I exhale slowly when she's looking away and licks her lips. Yeah, I'm right on the money. „We don't have to work it all out right now. We have time. We have all the time you need." I frown slightly because she's still not looking at me and place my fingers under her chin, tilting her head up a little. „And we'll figure out how to prove to our daughter that we aren't bad people who give away their child with no reason."

„I don't deserve you," Maura whispers while tears stream down her face.

„Yes, you do," I whisper back, meaning every word I'm saying. „Because you are the first person in my entire life I truly love." Besides my mother and my brothers, and even my father but I don't have to mention that right now. I love Maura in a different way. „And because I will always love you, come what may." She sobs gut-wrenching as if it's the first time she's hearing those words and that they really mean something. „I promise you that I will never ever leave you again." I frown deeply. „Under one condition, though."

Maura sobers again and frowns, too. „What condition?"

My eyes remain determined. „You'll never hide from me again when you're pregnant. Then we're in this together."

„Oh," Maura breathes and her whole body starts to shake.

Now I smile a little and wipe the tears off her cheeks. „Now let's get downstairs before Ma starts to think we have sex." I make big eyes. „Or worse, before she starts ordering flowers for our wedding we know nothing about."

Maura laughs heartily and slaps my chest. „Give me a minute."

„Sure," I reply with a broad smile and sit down on the edge of the bed.

I exhale slowly and squint up at the ceiling.

I swear, if this day is getting even more emotional I'll jump down a bridge.

„Jane?"

I jump a little when Maura's head reappears. „Hmm?" God, I hope I didn't say the part about emotional and bridges out loud.

„I love you too."

I'm sure that I have a shit-eating grin on my face because she's mirroring it.


	8. Chapter 7

**Hi, guys. **

**First of all, I want to apologize for not updating any of my stories for so long. **

**I hope that each of you had a merry Christmas and a blessed New Year. **

**I apologize once again for my long absence. **

**Of course, you can tell me what you think of the update as always.**

**Enjoy,**

**T73.**

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I lean on my elbow and take a deep breath as I look closely at Maura and she holds my gaze with a smile.

I'm not quite sure what happened between the two of us, but somehow I feel like twenty again, which isn't bad. On the contrary, if we hadn't had a liaison then, Charlie wouldn't exist today.

Well, at least I assume so.

It doesn't matter.

My twenties were the best time for me. At least until Maura moved to California. Back then I had to realize that it's a very bad idea to fall in love with your summer flirt.

And then I had to find out that it's not a good thing when said summer flirt comes back into your life and you practically continue where you left off for decades.

If I think about it ... I think Maura completely ruined me back then, made me unable to have a decent relationship.

She runs her fingertips across my bare arm and asks, "Jane, what's going on?"

"I don't want this anymore, Maura," I say without having the chance to think about my words more closely.

Her fingers stop abruptly and her smile falls. "What?"

Maybe I should have considered my choice of words a little more carefully. I sigh and lick my lips. "I want this ... us ... but." I pause and sigh again. "I want something real. I want a real relationship and not just sex when we're either tense or drunk. I want to take you out, go to the movies with you and go on vacation. And when it comes to it I want to beat up someone because he hits on my girlfriend in front of me. And that will happen. "

"The beating up," asks Maura with an amused smile.

I roll my eyes and furrow my brows. "At least I want to threaten the guy without making a fool of myself." I roll my eyes again when she raises her eyebrows. "Yeah, okay. I will most likely make a jealous fool of myself anyway. What I really want to say is -" I trail off and am not sure why it suddenly becomes so difficult for me to tell what I actually want to say. Maybe because I'm afraid that what I feel might be one-sided, but now there is no turning back, I've already set the hare running and now I have to get through that. I take a deep breath and look at her intently. "I fell in love with you, Maura. Already twenty years ago." I raise my hand when she opens her mouth to say something. "I know we had an agreement, no strings attached but -" My eyebrows shot up when I'm suddenly silenced by soft lips.

I think at first this kiss is meant to finally keep my mouth shut so I can't talk myself even further in trouble but then it becomes slow and gentle and full of emotions but I'm not quite sure what this kiss is supposed to mean.

"I never said there should be no strings attached," she whispers against my lips and her eyes briefly drop on them.

"That was your idea, Jane."

"A stupid idea," I murmur and sigh as she nods with a smile.

Maura gets serious again and takes a little distance. "I also fell in love with you, Jane, twenty years ago. All of this wasn't just relieving pressure for me. It allowed me to be close to you in a different way."

I look her long in the eye and furrow my brows. "Why didn't you tell me?"

She licks her lips and intertwines our fingers. "Probably for the same reason that you never said anything. I was afraid that the feelings wouldn't be mutual."

I nodded slowly and frown. "So let's give it a shot as a real couple?"

Maura starts to laugh heartily. "Sometimes you are so romantic."

I chuckle too and raise an eyebrow when it suddenly pulls me upon her. "What do you want," I ask while I brace myself on my forearms.

She keeps my glance and smiles mischievously. "Do I really have to say it out loud?"

I wiggle my eyebrows with a grin before I lower my head, kissing her tenderly.

I groan when my cell phone suddenly starts buzzing on the bedside table and decide to ignore the device as long as Maura's phone doesn't go off as well.

"Jane," she whispers against my lips.

I shake my head because I already know what she wants to say. "Just ignore it."

"Maybe it's important."

"Then they can call again."

"Jane," she replies warningly and pushes me away at my shoulders.

I growl annoyed as I roll onto my back and then again when I see Frankie's name on the screen.

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I enter the BPD gym and already hear a very familiar sound.

Angry grunts while punching a punching bag.

Apparently, the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

I take a deep breath and round a corner, seeing Charlie hitting the sandbag and I see that something is really pissing her off.

In the late evening when she is supposed to be at home.

Just like me, in bed with Maura.

I push this thought aside otherwise I start working on the other punching bag, take my jacket off and throw it on a bench, stand behind Charlie's punching bag and hold it tight so that she can blow off steam even better.

She stops briefly and looks at me in surprise before hitting the bag even more vigorously.

"You wanna talk about it," I ask, wondering at the same time that such a small woman can muster so much strength.

"No," she grunts between her blows.

Under other circumstances, I would accept this statement and leave the person alone, but these are not normal circumstances and Charlie appears to have been behaving strangely all day. At least that's what Frankie told me on the phone.

Actually, today is Maura's and my day off and I had actually planned not to leave the bed and yet I am here. "Talking sometimes helps."

Charlie stops her beating and lowers her fists. "I am fine."

"Yes, I can see that very clearly," I reply and she looks at me seriously. "I only beat the shit out of a punching bag when I'm feeling great."

She grits her teeth, takes a deep breath and briefly lets her chin drop to her chest. "Everything's fine, Jane."

I nod slowly and circle the punching bag as she starts to open the Velcro straps on her gloves. "If you prefer, I'll call Maura." I sigh and hand her the beverage bottle when she shakes her head. "I know we have almost no relationship privately, but you should know that I'm a pretty good listener."

Charlie takes a sip and smiles forced. "That's probably the reason why you get a confession out of everyone."

"Apparently not from everyone," I reply, scratching the back of my head. "Shall we go have a drink?"

"I know what you're doing."

"Oh?"

"You want to drag me to a pub and get me drunk so that start pouring out my heart to you."

"Does it work," I ask a little too eagerly and with a broad grin.

Charlie scoffs and shakes her head again with raised eyebrows. "No."

I groan, let my shoulders drop and clap my hands. "Okay, what can I do?"

She stows her bottle in the gym bag and sighs loudly before looking at me. "Turn back time and prevent me from dating an asshole."

"Herrera," I ask surprised, crossing my arms.

Charlie slowly straightens up and makes a face. "What? No! Herrera and I don't date! We're just friends!"

I run my fingers over my brows and frown deeply. I'm getting a headache. "Do I know that asshole?"

Charlie seems to be aware that she has already said more than she likes and is pulling up her protective walls again.

"Okay," I growl, pointing to the shower. "Go take a shower and then grab your things."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want you sitting sweaty in my car when we drive to Maura's."

Charlie opens and closes her mouth like a fish before asking, "What? Why?"

I look at her admonishingly. "Because I said so. Now go, I won't say it again."

She mumbles something incomprehensible before following my instructions and I close annoyed my eyes.

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I bring Maura a glass of red wine and Charlie a beer before I sit down next to my girlfriend. Girlfriend, I have to get used to this. "Now you're gonna tell us exactly what's going on. Frankie and Nina told me you've been grumpy all day."

Charlie looks briefly at the worried Maura, then looks at the bottle she rolls between her hands. "It's nothing. I just had a bad day."

"This is why you're telling me to turn back time and prevent you from dating a jerk?"

"Herrera," Maura says, as surprised as I was, looking at me. "I didn't get the impression of him that he would be a -"

"Herrera and I are just friends," Charlie says emphatically, and our heads turn to her. "God, why does everybody think that Herrera and I are dating?"

"Because you spend a lot of free time together," Maura answers the question, and I press my lips together, glad she said it 'cause Charlie glares at her.

"Friends can also spend a lot of free time together without any sexual attraction," the young woman replies and I choke on my beer. The two women look at me questioningly for this reason.

Yes, I know. I didn't know I had a daughter until a few months ago, and I haven't been a part of her life for most of the time, but that doesn't mean I like the idea of Charlie having a sex life.

Maura slaps my thigh while Charlie looks at me with her eyebrows furled.

I frown deeply as I empty my beer with a big gulp and then get up to get a fresh beer.

"Does she always react like that when it comes to sex," I hear the young woman ask when I go to the fridge.

"Yes."

"No," Maura and I answer in unison.

"What's wrong with sex? I like sex."

I trip over my feet and catch questioning looks again.

"Me too," Maura says with a big grin.

I roll my eyes and lean my hip against the kitchen island. "We're not here to discuss whether or not we like sex, guys."

Charlie looks long at me and then turns to Maura. "Jane is pretty prudish."

"I can hear you."

Maura nods and leans forward a little bit. "Yes, she can be a prude sometimes."

"Maura," I growl warningly.

Maura turns in her seat to look at me. "What? It's true."

I sighed loudly, being back I'm on my way to the couch. "Can we get back to the real reason we're here?"

"I'm not here by choice," says Charlie, sipping her beer with her eyebrows raised.

I sit down next to Maura and wrap my arm around her shoulders. "I certainly didn't gag you, tie you up and drag you here, did I?"

Charlie looks long at me and then narrows her eyes. "I'm pretty sure you would have done it if I had refused."

Maura chuckles into her wine glass and nods slowly but approvingly.

I consider Charlie's words, turn the corners of my mouth down, then nod as well. "Yeah, I guess so."

She finally laughs heartily and I grin broadly.

I know that I brought her here to find out what's going on with her, but I also know that it would be fatal to push her if she's even a little bit like me. Baby steps, my wise mother always says. Eventually, the girl will come out with it and here I can make sure Charlie doesn't do anything stupid when she's had a little too much.

And maybe that'll give us a chance to get a little closer. I wouldn't mind it at all.

Ever since Charlie found out that Maura is her birth mother, the two women have started to bond.

I can't tell you why it's so hard for her and me to do the same. Maybe because we're more alike than we'd like to admit? Are we two pig-headed people who are too proud to admit that we have a lot in common? Most likely.

I can't tell you how many times Maura has suggested I go with her when she and Charlie met for lunch or dinner and I declined.

At first, because I thought it would be best for them to get closer before all the Rizzoli chaos hit Charlie, which is why I asked Frankie and Nina not to intervene and treat Charlie like any other cop in BPD, which didn't always work out. That's why I haven't told Ma and Korsak that Charlie is not only a colleague but my daughter, but I think my old friend already has a hunch, maybe Ma does too. I'm not sure.

Anyway, it's been a while, and yet I couldn't bring myself to spend more time with Charlie than the time we work together.

I can't even tell you the reason I'm acting this way. Maybe it's because I'm scared. Afraid of finding out that I've failed as a human being. Afraid that I'm maybe not such a good person always thought I would be.

Maybe because I'm afraid of the past and that I realize what I have missed and I am bitter about it. That I realize that I've been deprived of the opportunity to know my child and to watch my daughter grow up and that I'm starting to blame Maura for that.

I can't change the past, no matter how much I want to. The damage is already done and no one knows if the damage can be repaired.

At least I'm not sure of that.

The only thing I can do now is limiting the damages if I can overcome my weaker self.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

I'm many things, but insecure is not one of them.

And I'm not a coward, but somehow Charlie's presence makes me feel uneasy. Not because I can't stand her, but because I'm not sure how to deal with the overall situation.

I mean, I've spent my entire adult life being overprotective when it comes to sex so that one day no adult person would show up on my doorstep and say 'Hello, Mother'.

And now that's basically what happened. Besides the "hello" and "mother".

I blink a few times when someone slips their hand into mine and look into familiar Hazel eyes that radiate concern.

Apparently, I have been following my train of thought longer than I thought.

I force myself to smile and look at the two women. "I'm sorry, I just got lost in my own world of thought."

"We didn't miss that," Chalie replies with furrowed brows while sipping her beer.

Maura grins broadly and rubs my thigh.

Charlie watches this little gesture. "So, what are you two? Friends with benefits?"

I squeeze Maura's hand and lick my hands. "Yeah, we started out as friends with benefits. Well, at least after Maura came back to Boston. It just happened."

"And what were you before that," she wants to know, and she looks at us both. "I mean in the time that you made me."

"Oh," Maura breathes, squeezing my hand tighter.

I frown deeply and lick my lips while I search for a good answer.

How in the world are you going to tell your child that it wasn't planned without making them want to punch a punching bag even more?

I take a deep breath and take a quick look at Maura. "We were a summer fling. At least, that's what we thought we'd be."

Charlie nods slowly, purses her lips and empties her bottle. "It's always nice to know that you're the result of a summer fling and that you haven't been wanted."

"Hey," I say with my eyebrows raised, and Maura tries to reason with me, whispering. "That's not what happened, Charlie. If Maura didn't want you, we wouldn't be sitting here together tonight."

"We're sitting here together by pure chance," the girl replies with a slow blink, and her look is meaningful.

"Jane, don't," my girlfriend whispers and looks at me pleadingly. "It's okay."

"No," I answer a little louder and look at them both. "it's not okay, Maura. At some point, it has to be enough."

Maura turns to me so I focus on her and only her. "Do you remember how hard it was for me after I found out about Hope?"

I hold my breath and look long into her eyes as I remember how much Maura had suffered from that encounter. Especially during the time when Hope first denied her and accused her of being a fraud, only to come crawling back to her because Caitlyn needed a kidney. "Yes," I sighed with resignation. "Yes, I remember it very well."

"And who the hell is Hope," Charlie asks tetchily, looking at us both. "My sister who you didn't want either?"

Maura takes a deep breath and closes her eyes before answering, "Hope is my biological mother."

"And has your mother to do -" Charlie trails off when she realizes what Maura actually said. "Wait a minute, does that mean-"

"Yes," Maura answers the unfinished question and sips her wine. "I was adopted too."

I exhale slowly and close my eyes.

I actually thought the two of them had already worked it out, and that's why they had become close.

Two women with the same destiny, connected by their experiences. That kind of thing. I know it happens ... Sometimes.

Apparently, I was wrong and I wonder what the two of them were talking about during their meals together.

Charlie looks at Maura in disbelief with furrowed brows and I can more or less hear the wheels turning in her head.

I can't imagine what her thoughts must be at this moment. I mean, she has practically the same life story as Maura, with one small but significant difference -

"You never told me you were adopted," Charlie's voice interrupts my train of thought and an uncomfortable silence settles over us for a moment.

Maura empties her wine glass and licks her lips. "For me, it was nothing worth mentioning."

Oh, Maura.

I unperceived collect the empty beer bottles and the empty wine glass and get up to give the two women some privacy.

"Why," Charlie asks, growling, I know full well the mood is about to swing. "Because it might give me the impression that giving a child away is some sort of family tradition?"

"It's a little more complicated than you think."

I take three whiskey glasses from a cabinet and grit my teeth while I fill them.

I know Maura doesn't like the hard stuff and that Ma stashed the whiskey here, but I think it's the right medicine at this moment, although I'm well aware that alcohol is not the solution to all problems.

"Oh, yeah?" Charlie growls dangerously low and I turn to face the situation. "How so?"

"Because Maura's mother Hope thought her daughter died during birth because Maura's father Hope told her so," I answer the question when my girlfriend remains silent.

Maura turns into her seat and looks at me with wide eyes while Charlie turns her gaze on me.

I can't tell whether the pitch in my voice has told them I'm slowly but surely pissed off, but at least I have achieved that Charlie doesn't focus solely on Maura.

I carry the glasses into the living room and place the glasses on the coffee table.

I look at the young woman and I am pretty sure that my expression is many things but friendly. "You think you currently have a shitty life because we walked into it by accident? Ask your mother how she got to know her biological father! He certainly didn't send her a bouquet and an invitation for dinner."

"Jane, stop it," Maura says sheepishly.

"No," I say emphatically while I growl low and look at Charlie and then Maura. "No, I'm not going to stop. She has no right to judge you or me without knowing our stories." I point to myself and am glad that my protective instinct has finally kicked in again. "You can despise me, I don't give a fuck. You can blame me for everything that is going wrong in the world, blame me that you had to grow up without knowing us. I can handle it. I deserve your contempt. I deserve your contempt, not your mother. Do you have any idea what she was going through? No, you don't! She found out about her brother after he had ended up dead on one of her autopsy tables. In that time her father played mind games with her, called himself Sesil, even kidnapped her."

I see that Maura lowers her gaze and I know that it would be best to shut up right now before I reopen old sores, but once I'm in full flow there is no going back. Especially when it comes to protecting Maura. "Maura was accused by her own 'mother' of being a fraud, although she was willing to donate a kidney to her terminally ill sister only so that this woman could come crawling months later to beg for this fucking kidney and then gave her the go-by again.

Maura got neglected by adoptive parents, her father is a mobster on death row and her mother is interested in everything except her. I don't want to start with my father who regularly drank and beat us kids up. Especially me because I'm a fucking freak in his eyes 'cause I have a dick, though I shouldn't have one. But yes, let's talk about your miserable life and how much you despise us for giving you life."

I didn't realize that I was holding my breath while talking in rage until I took a deep breath and my lungs started to burn.

It's so quiet in the house, you could hear a pin drop.

I can't tell what's gotten into me and I feel myself blushing a little.

I flop next to Maura and lean my elbows on my knees, running my hand through my hair. I have revealed more things in one breath than I care to admit, but sometimes enough is enough. Then even I lose it.

Maura sits next to me and presses her lips together while Charlie empties her glass with furrowed brows and then clears her throat.

Only now do I realize that I called Maura Charlie's mother more than once and I empty my glass before I imbibe Maura's drink as well.

"I'm craving pizza," Maura says all of a sudden and gets up to order the midnight snack. "Who else wants pizza?"

"You don't have to ask me twice," I reply calmly, turn my head to her and grin when she rolls her eyes.

"Sounds tempting," says Charlie as she gets up from her armchair. "but I think it's time for me to go."

I raise my eyebrows and point to her chair. "Sit back down. I know you're planning on getting drunk. You can do that here. And it's not that far from here to a warm bed. And to top that, you don't have to pay for the drinks."

"All right," the young woman says and sits down again.

I grin when my girlfriend rolls her eyes again. "Maura knows what pizza you want?"

"I don't care as long as it has cheese and salami and pepperoni."

I look long at her and start laughing heartily.

Charlie has a grin on her face, but he looks at me questioningly. "What?"

I want to tell her that we're more alike than we think, but keep it to myself for now. "Nothing," I answer and wave my hand. "I just like your taste."

She chuckles and leans back when she looks at my girlfriend. "I can't imagine Maura being neglected by her parents."

I rub my hands and exhale slowly with furrowed brows. "She's been emotionally neglected, not physically. When she started at BPD, she was called the ice queen because she seemed farouche. Even I called her a robot for a long time, but didn't mean it."

"Because you knew how she really was?"

I look long at Charlie and am surprised her attitude has changed. "Yes, because I knew how Maura really was. That her cold behavior was just protection. And a little clumsiness because she didn't have the same company as you and I when she was a kid. "

I frown deeply as I think about it and lick my lips. "This awkwardness took advantage of Maura more than once. Both as a teenager and as a grown woman. I always tried to protect her from people, but unfortunately, I couldn't always be there to prevent her from those people."

"I know the feeling," Charlie sighs and furrows her brows. "I had a friend in high school with a similar problem. Highly intelligent and socially awkward. A lot of my classmates let him do their homework and the poor kid thought they were his friends."

"What happened to him?"

"He threw himself in front of a train one morning after realizing that those friends were just exploiters."

I press my lips together and sighed heavily. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's been a long time."

"Were you close to him?"

"I wouldn't call it close. I used to talk to him once in a while during breaks."

"How did you find out that he committed suicide?"

Charlie licks her lips and raises her shoulders. "One day he stopped coming to school so I decided to ask his parents if Craig was sick. It was the stupidest decision I ever made. At least back then."

I look at Maura in surprise when she hands me and Charlie a new beer and sits next to me with one of her own.

It's very unusual for her to drink more than three wines or three beers in one evening.

I'm beginning to suspect she's joining our bout to make sure we don't end up bashing our skulls in.

I wrap my arm around her shoulders again and pull her close to me. For some reason, I have to have her close to me now. "You couldn't have known what happened to Craig, Charlie. You couldn't know that he decided for himself that this was his way out."

Charlie starts picking the label of the bottle and frowns deeply. "Yes, I know. And yet I still feel like I should have been there for him."

It scares me how much Charlie and I are alike, coupled with Maura's intelligence it's fatal. I just don't know if it's a good or a bad thing.

Again my protective instinct kicks in and I want to make sure that my daughter quits the job as a cop and finds a safer one.

I realize what I was thinking and swallow hard. Did I really just call Charlie my daughter? At least in my head?

I have to put this word and this thought aside very quickly before I put my foot in it and make a complete idiot of myself.

Yes, theoretically I am her mother, technically I am nobody to Charlie, just a stranger.

Above all I have to suppress the thought during work, otherwise, I can't do my job reliably anymore, and in my job reliance is all that matters. We have each other's backs, it has never been any different.

I realize that Charlie has decided to take the same risk as me and that worries me even though I don't really know the girl.

Only now am I beginning to understand my mother. I can only hope that Charlie isn't as willing to take risks as I am.

"Jane," Maura's voice tears me out of my train of thought.

I blink a couple of times and I look down at her. "Yeah?"

She looks at me with concern. "Are you okay?"

I nod and smile weakly. "Yes, I'm fine."


End file.
